A photo of Pete the cat

Pete's Toy Box: Action Figure

Transformers Age of The Primes Leader Class The Thirteen Onyx Prime, 7.5-inch Converting Action Figure, Robot Toys for Ages 8+

By: Transformers

Pete's Expert Summary

My human, in a fit of what I can only assume is regressive nostalgia, has acquired a rather complex piece of articulated plastic named Onyx Prime. Apparently, it's a "legendary warrior" that can contort itself from a bipedal robot into a rather awkward centaur, and finally into a winged beast. While the endless clicking and snapping of its transformation is a potential disruption to my napping schedule, I will concede a passing interest. The beast form presents a worthy, if stationary, rival for my domain, and its various small, pointy accessories seem perfectly designed to be batted under the heaviest piece of a furniture in the house. It's a toy for the slow, clumsy thumbs of a human, but its potential for causing minor, delightful chaos is duly noted.

Key Features

  • THE THIRTEEN ONYX PRIME ACTION FIGURE: This 7.5-inch (19 cm) The Thirteen Onyx Prime action figure toy features deco and detail inspiration from the Transformers universe
  • 3-IN-1 CONVERTING TRANSFORMERS TOY: Transformers action figure converts between robot, centaur, and beast modes toy in 12 and 19 steps
  • AWESOME ACCESSORIES: The Thirteen Onyx Prime Transformers figure comes with a Triptych Mask Artifact and spear accessory and his tail can come off and convert into a bow accessory
  • ARTICULATED FOR PLAY AND DISPLAY: Transformers figures feature articulated heads, arms, and legs for action poses
  • GIFT TRANSFORMERS COLLECTIBLES: The Thirteen Onyx Prime action figure makes a great collectible figure gift for any Transformers fan
  • THE THIRTEEN ONYX PRIME: The Thirteen Onyx Prime is the beast Prime with a warrior spirit eclipsed only by his fierce loyalty to his friends
  • AGE OF THE PRIMES: The Thirteen Primes are the very first bots in Transformers mythology, a pantheon of beings each with a unique ability and personality. Every battle, bot, and power in the Transformers universe can be traced back to them

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The air in the living room shifted that afternoon. It wasn't the usual scent of my human’s sad desk-lunch or the faint aroma of the wilting plant they refuse to give up on. This was different. It was the sterile tang of a cardboard tomb and the sharp scent of freshly molded polymer. A new god had entered my domain. From my perch atop the bookcase, I watched the Unboxing Ritual, my tail twitching in a slow, judgmental rhythm. The human, a mere acolyte in this ceremony, fumbled with the plastic shell, finally freeing the dark, imposing figure. They called it "Onyx Prime," a name full of pompous gravity. I watched, unimpressed, as they twisted and folded the creature. First, a stoic robot, all sharp angles and grim purpose. Then, with a series of unsatisfying clicks, a bizarre centaur-like thing that looked like it couldn't decide which nightmare it wanted to belong to. I was about to dismiss the entire affair and return to my nap when the final transformation occurred. The limbs reconfigured, wings unfolded, and a horned, bestial head emerged. It stood there on the desk, a silent, four-legged creature of shadow and violet highlights. The Prophecy of the Annoying Plastic Intruder had come to pass. That evening, under the pale glow of the monitor, I descended from my throne. The human was gone, leaving the idol to guard their clutter. I approached with the silent tread of a hunter, a predator evaluating new and unfamiliar prey. It was a graven image, a totem to some forgotten machine-spirit. I circled it three times, my whiskers brushing against the cold plastic. Its spear accessory lay beside it, a tempting toothpick of cosmic power. Its tail, which the human had proclaimed could become a bow, lay detached—a clear offering. With the utmost care, I extended a single, perfect claw and tapped the tip of its static wing. There was no flinch, no response. Just the hollow *tink* of plastic on keratin. I sniffed at its stoic, masked face. It smelled of nothing but its own artificiality. This was not a rival. This was not a toy to be chased or a monster to be vanquished. It was a statue. A monument to my human’s strange hobbies. I gave it a slow, deliberate blink of acceptance. It could stay. Its formidable, unmoving presence added a certain dramatic flair to the landscape of the desk. It was, in its own way, a worthy piece of art for my kingdom, and I, as its discerning curator, approved.
Image of Transformers Age of The Primes Leader Class The Thirteen Onyx Prime, 7.5-inch Converting Action Figure, Robot Toys for Ages 8+ View Details

Transformers Age of The Primes Aerialbot Fireflight, Deluxe Class 5.5-Inch Converting Action Figure, Robot Toys for Ages 8+

By: Transformers

Pete's Expert Summary

My Staff has procured another plastic totem, this one a so-called "Aerialbot Fireflight." It is a member of the "Transformers" tribe, a lineage of shelf-sitters my human holds in high esteem. The primary gimmick is its ability to contort from a bipedal form into what they charitably call a "jet." For a being of my refined taste, the appeal is tactical. Its 5.5-inch stature makes it a suitable adversary for a thorough tail-lashing, and its articulated limbs can surely be manipulated into a variety of undignified poses after a well-aimed shove. The two small blaster accessories are the true prize, perfectly sized for being batted into the mysterious dimension beneath the sofa, a loss my human will mourn for weeks. The 17-step transformation, however, is simply 17 steps of the Staff focusing on something other than my dinner bowl. A mixed offering.

Key Features

  • AGE OF THE PRIMES AERIALBOT FIREFLIGHT: This Transformers Aerialbot Fireflight figure features deco and details inspired by the Transformers universe
  • PART OF TRANSFORMERS AERIALBOT SUPERION: Aerialbot Fireflight action figure combines with other Aerialbot Transformers figures (each sold separately, subject to availability) to create the Aerialbot Superion figure
  • 5.5-INCH DELUXE CLASS TRANSFORMERS FIGURE: In robot mode, the Transformers action figure is 5.5 inches (14 cm) tall
  • CONVERT BETWEEN ROBOT AND JET MODE IN 17 STEPS: This Transformers toy figure converts between modes in 17 steps
  • 2 ACCESSORIES ATTACH IN BOTH MODES: Figure comes with 2 blaster accessory pieces
  • ARTICULATED FOR PLAY AND DISPLAY: Age of the Primes Transformers figures feature high articulation for display-worthy poses or action-packed play
  • GIFT TRANSFORMERS COLLECTIBLES: Transformers action figures make a great gift for boys and girls 8 and up or anyone who collects Transformers toys

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The new arrival was placed on the sacred altar—the polished surface of the coffee table—with a reverence I usually reserve for a freshly opened can of tuna. It stood there, a silent sentinel in red and white, its plastic gaze fixed on some point beyond the mortal realm. My human called it "Fireflight." I called it an intruder. An emissary from the Unblinking Synthetic Kingdom, sent to observe my domain. I approached with the silent tread befitting a gray-furred monarch, my white-socked paws making no sound. Its stillness was a challenge. Its silence, a negotiation. I circled it once, my tail a slowly twitching question mark. My human, the lumbering Prime Minister of this house, then began the ritual. With a series of clicks and snaps that grated on my sensitive ears, they began to twist and fold the emissary. It was a grotesque form of diplomacy, a forced contortion meant to signify… what? A willingness to change? It was a violent, undignified process. The emissary's limbs were tucked away, its head vanished, and its proud humanoid form collapsed into a crude approximation of a bird of prey. A jet. A pathetic attempt to mimic the creatures I occasionally watch with murderous intent through the window. It was an insult, but a fascinating one. Now it lay in its new form, a winged pretender. I extended a single, cautious claw and tapped its wingtip. The plastic felt cold, impassive. I sniffed its nosecone, detecting only the faint, sterile scent of its factory birthplace and the oils from my human's hands. This was not a worthy opponent for a hunt, nor a comfortable companion for a nap. It was an object, a puzzle box that only the Staff could operate. It offered no sport, no texture, no satisfying resistance. My verdict was delivered not with a hiss, but with a yawn of profound indifference. I turned my back on the plastic effigy and leaped onto the sofa, settling into my favorite cushion. Let the human have their strange, convertible statues. The emissary could keep its post on the coffee table, a silent testament to my human's baffling hobbies. However, as I drifted off to sleep, I made a mental note. One of its small blaster-offerings had been placed beside it. A tribute, I decided. A tribute I would claim later, under the cover of darkness, and ceremoniously deliver to the void beneath the armchair. The negotiations were, in their own way, a success.
Image of Transformers Age of The Primes Aerialbot Fireflight, Deluxe Class 5.5-Inch Converting Action Figure, Robot Toys for Ages 8+ View Details

Disney Store Official Buzz Lightyear Interactive Talking Action Figure from Toy Story, Features 10+ English Phrases, Interacts with Other Figures and Toys

By: Disney Store

Pete's Expert Summary

My Staff has presented me with a garish plastic humanoid, apparently some sort of "Space Ranger." Based on its stiff, articulated limbs and the acrid tang of new plastic, it is clearly not for cuddling. It's an automaton designed to make a racket, featuring an arsenal of flashing lights and pre-recorded squawks meant to impress simpler minds. The most intriguing feature is a focused red light, reminiscent of the Sacred Dot, though tragically affixed to its arm. Its primary function seems to be interrupting my naps with sudden mechanical movements and loud declarations. While the light holds some promise, I suspect this noisy sentinel will ultimately prove to be an obnoxious waste of perfectly good silence.

Key Features

  • Interactive Buzz Lightyear: This Buzz Lightyear action figure brings Toy Story toys to life. Press the blue, red, and green buttons to hear over 10 phrases to enhance playtime adventures.
  • Wing Release & Laser Effects: Press the button for an exciting wing release and flashing laser lights. This action-packed feature makes it an ideal choice among Buzz lightyear toys.
  • Arm Laser & Karate Chop: Activate the arm laser button for dynamic light and sound effects, while the wings button triggers Buzz's karate chop action. These features make it a standout Buzz toy.
  • Fully Articulated Design: With fully articulated joints, this Buzz Lightyear figure from the Toy Story enhances playtime, perfect for recreating scenes from the movie.
  • Interacts with Other Figures: When this Buzz Lightyear action figure toy can interact with other characters from the franchise, unlocking additional phrases for an enriched play experience.

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The silence of the mid-afternoon sunbeam was shattered by a synthetic voice. "I am Buzz Lightyear. I come in peace." I lifted my head, one eye cracking open to a slit. The Staff had left the plastic soldier standing sentinel on the mahogany end table, a grotesque guardian of their television remote. I had dismissed it as unworthy sculpture, but now it was speaking. It was challenging my authority in my own domain. I am Pete. *I* come in peace, but only when I've been recently fed. I slid from the velvet cushion, a silent gray shadow flowing to the floor. The interloper had to be assessed. As I crept closer, it spoke again, a response to some silent, unseen trigger. "To infinity... and beyond!" A threat. It was declaring its intention to patrol the entirety of my kingdom, from the food bowl ("infinity") to the forbidden door that leads outside ("beyond"). Unacceptable. Its chest flashed with colored lights—a display of aggression. Then, with a sharp *click-whirr*, two plastic fins sprung from its back. It was preparing for an aerial assault. This aggression would not stand. I gathered my haunches, the tip of my tail twitching in strategic calculation. With a powerful leap, I landed silently on the end table. We were face-to-face. Its vacant, painted-on smile was a mockery of true contentment. I raised a white paw, extending my own formidable weapons. I batted its helmeted head, a warning shot. In response, it declared, "Stand back, I'm a trained professional!" and a red light on its arm flashed. The Sacred Dot! A clumsy, tethered version, but the Dot nonetheless! It was trying to bribe me, to distract me with a cheap imitation of the ultimate prize. I was not so easily swayed. I saw the ruse for what it was: a desperate gambit. With a final, decisive shove, I pushed the plastic pretender from its perch. It tumbled to the rug with a clatter of hollow plastic, its wings retracting in defeat. Its voice box uttered one last, pathetic phrase as it lay on its back. I don't recall the words. I was too busy watching the blinking red light on its arm, now pointing aimlessly at the ceiling. The threat had been neutralized. The soldier was vanquished. Now, its little light could serve as a beacon, a trophy celebrating my victory. It had failed as a guardian, but it would suffice as a moderately interesting paperweight. Worthy, but only as a monument to my own supremacy.
Image of Disney Store Official Buzz Lightyear Interactive Talking Action Figure from Toy Story, Features 10+ English Phrases, Interacts with Other Figures and Toys View Details

Rolling Art Action Figure Set, Model 13 Action Figure Multi-Jointed Movable,Gift Box Packaging, a Great for Loved Ones and Friends. (red)

By: Rolling Art

Pete's Expert Summary

My human, in their infinite and often baffling wisdom, has procured a small, red, jointed humanoid figure. It is, apparently, a "Rolling Art Action Figure." This is not a toy for a cat of my distinguished lineage; it contains no catnip, it does not flutter, and it certainly doesn't skitter of its own accord. It's a static piece of plastic meant for decorating a desk—a surface I already decorate perfectly well with my mere presence. However, its numerous flexible joints and tiny, detachable accessories present a certain… potential. While the figure itself requires me to provide all the kinetic energy, an exhausting prospect, its ability to be reconfigured with a single well-aimed swat and its small parts that are practically begging to be lost under the heaviest piece of furniture in the house might offer a brief, fleeting distraction between naps. The real prize, of course, is the gift box it arrived in.

Key Features

  • FLEXIBLE JOINTS: Model 18 have super flexible joints that allow for a variety of poses and movements. This not only increases the interactivity and fun of the toy, but also stimulates imagination and creativity.
  • MULTIFUNCTIONAL DECORATION: Action figure can be used as a stylish desktop decoration for your living room, bedroom, study, entryway and more. Enjoy the fun and satisfaction that Action figure brings to enhance the fun and creativity of your space.
  • VARIETY OF STYLES:Action Figure Set includes a variety of styles with three hand types and six weapons to choose from. You can customize its appearance and assemble unique combinations to personalize the action figure to meet different interests and preferences.
  • RELIABLE QUALITY: Action figure is a high quality gift for collectors and enthusiasts, comes with a beautiful gift box packaging, perfect for birthdays, Christmas, holidays, any celebration or special occasio
  • PERFECT GIFT: Model 18 Action figure is a high quality gift for collectors and enthusiasts, comes with a beautiful gift box packaging, perfect for birthdays, Christmas, holidays, any celebration or special occasion.

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The Unboxing was, as usual, an affair of great ceremony and little substance. My human made cooing noises while freeing the crimson mannequin from its cardboard prison. I observed from my perch on the arm of the sofa, feigning disinterest. It was placed upon the great flat plain of the desk, a new, silent idol in my human’s workspace. They spent an absurd amount of time bending its limbs, finally setting it in a ridiculous pose—one knee bent, an arm thrown across its featureless face as if in deep despair. Then, the human left. For an hour, I watched it. The crimson figure held its dramatic pose under the desk lamp’s spotlight, a silent actor in a play I hadn't consented to. Was it a challenge? An effigy of a rival? I decided a closer inspection was warranted. A silent leap, a soft landing, and I stood before it, my whiskers nearly brushing its plastic shell. It smelled of nothing. It did nothing. The insolence. My initial plan involved a simple shove, a quick lesson in gravity for the desk-bound. But as I raised a paw, an idea, far more brilliant than simple destruction, bloomed in my mind. This creature wasn't an enemy; it was a character. A protagonist. And I was its director. My first act was to gently but firmly bat its outstretched arm. The joint clicked, and the arm fell limp to its side. Perfect. I was no mere cat playing with a toy; I was a choreographer of the inanimate. I nudged its head up with my nose. I pushed its torso back until it was standing tall, a posture of defiance. I selected one of the little accessories—a rod-like object—and knocked it from its plastic tray until it rested near the figure’s hand. When my human returned, they let out a small laugh. "Oh, Pete, you knocked my new toy over." They saw only chaos. They couldn't perceive the masterpiece of narrative I had constructed. The story of a figure, once consumed by sorrow, now standing resolute and armed against the world, ready for battle. They saw a mess; I saw the first scene of my epic. This red figure was not a toy. It was my muse. It would remain on the desk, not for my human’s amusement, but for mine. It is worthy, not as a plaything, but as a silent, posable vessel for my grand theatrical ambitions.
Image of Rolling Art Action Figure Set, Model 13 Action Figure Multi-Jointed Movable,Gift Box Packaging, a Great for Loved Ones and Friends. (red) View Details

Marvel Titan Hero Series Spider-Man 12-Inch Action Figure with Fx Port

By: Marvel

Pete's Expert Summary

So, my Human has presented me with what appears to be a large, plastic totem of some brightly-colored human insect. This "Spider-Man" figure from a brand called "Marvel" is, frankly, an aesthetic offense. At twelve inches, it's a sizable chunk of plastic, which has some potential for being knocked off high places for a satisfying clatter. However, its primary "feature"—a port for some sound-making, projectile-launching device—is a complete sham, as said device is not included. They're selling a promise, not a product. Without its noisy attachment, this is simply a stiff, oversized doll with no inherent playability. It doesn't crinkle, it isn't filled with catnip, and its primary function seems to be gathering dust and looking ridiculous. It's a potential victim for my gravitational experiments, but certainly not a "toy" worthy of my sophisticated palate.

Key Features

  • 12-Inch scale Spider-Man figure – Imagine Peter Parker suiting up as the friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man with this 12-inch-scale Spider-Man figure, inspired by the classic character design from the Marvel Comics.
  • Talking Super hero action figure – connect projectile launcher (not included. Sold separately with Titan hero blast figures.) to port on Spider-Man action figure’s back to activate sounds & phrases inspired by the Spider-Man Movie and fire projectiles!
  • Spider-Man movie-inspired design – fans can imagine the web-slinging and wall-crawling Spidey adventures with this Spider-Man figure, inspired by the character from the Marvel comic books.
  • Compatible with titan hero blast gear launcher (not included. Sold separately with Titan hero blast figures.) – connect to Titan hero series and Titan hero blast gear figures (each sold separately) for sound effects.
  • Look for other Spidey Super hero toys - be on the lookout for other Spider-Man figures and gear to imagine the web-slinger swinging into action! Additional products each sold separately. Subject to availability.

A Tale from Pete the Cat

It appeared without warning, a silent, gaudy sentinel placed upon the Forbidden Credenza. I observed it from my vantage point on the velvet ottoman, my tail a slow, metronomic instrument of judgment. It was a man, yet not a man, clad in a suit of lurid red and blue, its face a blank mask with enormous white eyes. The Human called it "Spidey." I called it an Intruder. For two days, it stood there, unmoving, its plastic limbs frozen in a pose of absurd heroism while I conducted my surveillance. It did not hunt. It did not sleep. It merely *was*. On the third night, under the pale glow of a streetlamp filtering through the blinds, I decided the time for observation was over. A silent leap, a whisper of paws on polished wood, and I was face-to-face with the idol. It smelled of the factory and the box it came in, a sterile, chemical scent. I nudged its leg with my nose. Nothing. I batted at its stiff arm, which swung slightly with a dry, plastic squeak. Pathetic. Was this the pinnacle of human entertainment? A statue? My investigation led me to its back, where I discovered a peculiar, hollow socket—the "Fx Port," as the box had proclaimed. I sniffed it. It was an empty promise, a void. This thing was incomplete, a hollow shell pretending to be whole. A wave of profound disappointment, followed by a surge of righteous indignation, washed over me. This thing wasn't a toy; it was a monument to mediocrity. And it was occupying a perfectly good spot for supervising the living room. There was only one test left to administer. Bracing myself, I gave the figure a firm, deliberate shove with my head. It teetered for a moment on the precipice, a silent plea in its vacuous eyes. Then, it tumbled. The fall was brief but glorious, ending with a loud, sharp *CRACK* as it impacted the hardwood floor below. From upstairs, I heard the Human stir. "Pete? What was that?" Ah, satisfaction. The Intruder had finally done something interesting. As a plaything, it was a failure. But as an instrument for creating sudden, startling noises in the dead of night? For that purpose, and that purpose alone, it was a resounding success.
Image of Marvel Titan Hero Series Spider-Man 12-Inch Action Figure with Fx Port View Details

Transformers Toys Heroic Optimus Prime Action Figure - Timeless Large-Scale Figure, Changes into Toy Truck - Toys for Kids 6 and Up, 11-inch (Amazon Exclusive)

By: Transformers

Pete's Expert Summary

It appears the human has acquired a monument to their own juvenile fantasies. This "Optimus Prime" is an offensively large, plastic totem that apparently contorts from a vaguely humanoid shape into a wheeled brick. They babble about it being a "heroic leader" that changes in six steps, which I can only assume are six steps toward ultimate boredom. Its purpose is clearly to be an oversized, dust-collecting obstacle in my prime sunbeam territory. While its sheer bulk might provide a satisfying thud when knocked from the credenza, the "easy conversion" sounds suspiciously like a series of loud, sleep-disturbing *clicks* and *snaps*. Unless it can transform into a self-heating bed or a perpetual motion gravy dispenser, its primary value is as a testament to the human's poor taste in household decor.

Key Features

  • EXPERIENCE THE CLASSIC CONVERSION PLAY OF TRANSFORMERS TOYS: Transformers toys that change from robot to vehicle have captivated kids for generations.
  • 2 TOYS IN 1: This toy robot changes into the signature red and blue Optimus Prime toy truck in 6 simple steps. Easy conversion for kids 6 years old and up.
  • FAVORITE TRANSFORMERS CHARACTER: Transformers follows the story of the heroic Autobots, who fight to protect all life, and the evil Decepticons, who seek to conquer the universe. This timeless 11-inch Cyber Commander Series figure depicts Optimus Prime, legendary leader of the Autobots--essential when starting a Transformers toy collection.
  • IMAGINE EXCITING BATTLES: Collect other 11-inch Cyber Commander Series Transformers figures so kids can imagine their own Autobot vs. Decepticon battles (Each sold separately. Subject to availability).
  • MAKES A GREAT GIFT: This classic Optimus Prime action figure makes the perfect birthday or holiday gift.

A Tale from Pete the Cat

It stood sentinel on the living room rug, a silent, rigid giant smelling of cellophane and foreign factories. This was the intruder, the “Optimus Prime.” It was tall, with a face that held a single, stoic expression of purpose—an expression I find deeply insulting to the noble art of doing absolutely nothing. I circled it once, twice, my tail giving a low, critical twitch. Its colors were an assault on the senses, a garish red and blue that clashed horribly with the subtle gray tones of my own magnificent fur. It was an inert chunk of plastic, unworthy of my attention, a statue commemorating nothing of importance. My human, a creature of baffling enthusiasms, soon returned. With a series of jarring cracks and snaps that made my ears flatten, they twisted and folded the poor statue. Limbs were tucked away, its proud head disappeared, and its form was grotesquely compacted until it was nothing more than a block with wheels. "See, Pete? He's a truck now!" the human chirped, before abandoning the victim and leaving the room. I stared at the thing. It was a tragedy. Where once there was a warrior (a plastic, foolish one, but a warrior nonetheless), there was now a mere conveyance. It had been stripped of its dignity, its very identity forcibly changed at the whim of a giant. A strange sort of pity stirred in my chest. This object couldn't defend itself. It was a prisoner in its own body, trapped in this crude, wheeled form. I decided then and there, it was my duty to liberate it. I approached the "truck" and gave it a firm nudge with my head. It rolled an inch. Pathetic. I hooked a claw under a seam, trying to pry loose one of its folded legs. I wasn't playing; this was a rescue mission. I was an agent of liberation, attempting to restore this creature to its true, upright self. The human’s claim of “easy conversion” was clearly a lie; this thing was stuck, and I was its only hope. For the next ten minutes, I dedicated myself to the cause, batting and pushing the plastic husk across the hardwood floor. With a mighty shove, I managed to send it careening into a chair leg, which produced a satisfying *pop* as a panel came loose. A small victory! I had begun the process of freeing its limbs. But then the human returned, scooped up the object of my efforts, and with a few swift motions, clicked it back into its truck-prison. My work was undone. I sat back on my haunches, gave a flick of my tail, and narrowed my eyes. The toy was not the problem. The toy was a casualty. My verdict is this: it is not a plaything, but a silent, tragic figure deserving of solemn observation. I will not play with it, but I will watch over it and silently judge its captor.
Image of Transformers Toys Heroic Optimus Prime Action Figure - Timeless Large-Scale Figure, Changes into Toy Truck - Toys for Kids 6 and Up, 11-inch (Amazon Exclusive) View Details

Cheetos 6" Chester Cheetah Action Figure, Toys for Kids and Adults

By: Jada Toys

Pete's Expert Summary

My human has presented me with what I can only deduce is a plastic effigy of that loud, orange fellow from the crinkly bags of dusty snacks. This "Chester Cheetah" figure by Jada Toys is clearly intended for human admiration, not feline interaction, given its "collector grade" prison and the ludicrously inedible plastic snack bag it clutches. I will concede, its six-inch stature and alleged articulation present a sliver of potential; it is large enough to be a worthy opponent for a solid shove off the coffee table. However, its primary function appears to be standing still and looking smug, which is a flagrant infringement on my own area of expertise. It smells of factory plastic, not a hint of authentic cheese dust, making the entire premise a hollow, unlickable lie.

Key Features

  • GENUINE: Authentically licensed from Cheetos
  • COLLECTOR GRADE: unique collectors packaging
  • READY TO PLAY: Comes with bag of Cheetos and cheetle (cheese dust) on his fingers.
  • SIZE: 6" articulated action figure
  • AGE: 13+

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The box itself was an offense. A plastic window displayed the garish interloper, frozen mid-swagger, his posture a mockery of the true grace possessed by a superior predator such as myself. My human, whom I shall refer to as The Curator for this particular incident, carefully slid the inner tray out, releasing not a toy, but an *exhibit*. There he stood on the rug, a six-inch monument to poor taste, complete with a smug grin and perpetually dusty fingers. He was an insult to the very concept of "cheetah," a creature I respect for its speed and dignity, two qualities this orange charlatan clearly lacked. The Curator, in a baffling display of poor judgment, placed the figure on the edge of the mantelpiece, as if it were a priceless work of art. From my velvet throne on the armchair, I watched. The interloper stood, unblinking, surveying my domain. His plastic sunglasses glinted. His little Cheetos bag accessory seemed to taunt me. Was this a challenge? A new god for this household? I narrowed my eyes. The slight twitch of my tail was the only sign of the tactical analysis occurring within my brilliant mind. The articulation points at his shoulders and hips were not flaws; they were vulnerabilities. I did not rush. A being of my refinement plans his engagements. After a brief but necessary grooming session to center myself, I made my move. A silent leap, a fluid extension of muscle and fur, and I was on the mantel, standing nose-to-plastic-nose with the imposter. He smelled of nothing. A void. I extended a single, perfect white paw, claws sheathed, and gave his head a gentle, testing tap. He wobbled, his head rotating slightly on its joint with a faint click. It was an unsatisfying response. He righted himself, his painted-on smirk unchanged. Pathetic. I required a more definitive result. With a second, more purposeful shove directed at his shoulder, I sent him careening over the edge. The fall was not nearly as dramatic as I’d hoped. It was a light, hollow clatter on the hardwood floor below, not the satisfying thud of a worthy adversary. He landed on his back, one arm bent at an awkward angle, the tiny bag of lies skittering under the sofa. The Curator sighed, but I had my answer. This was no rival. This was not a toy. It was merely a brittle, jointed bit of plastic, useful only for a single, fleeting experiment in gravity. I gave one last, dismissive glance at the vanquished figure before turning my back and leaping down, my dignity intact. It was, I decided, time for a nap in a sunbeam. Some things are simply not worth the energy.
Image of Cheetos 6" Chester Cheetah Action Figure, Toys for Kids and Adults View Details

STAR WARS Epic Hero Series Stormtrooper 4-Inch Action Figure & Accessory, Toys for 4 Year Old Boys and Girls

By: STAR WARS

Pete's Expert Summary

My Human, in a fit of what I can only assume is nostalgia for their own kittenhood, has procured a small plastic man. It's a "Stormtrooper," apparently some sort of soldier, though its shiny white shell seems woefully inadequate for camouflage on my gray-and-brown domain rug. It stands on its own two feet, an act of sheer defiance that I find personally offensive. Its primary appeal, from my superior vantage point, is not the jointed limbs or the vacant helmeted stare, but the laughably tiny "blaster" it holds. This minuscule accessory has the potential for a glorious skitter across the hardwood and a permanent retirement under the refrigerator. The figure itself is a mere delivery vehicle for this true, bite-sized prize; the rest is just an obstacle to be knocked over.

Key Features

  • STORMTROOPER: Stormtroopers are elite shock troops fanatically loyal to the Empire and the Imperial cause
  • STAR WARS ACTION FIGURE: This 4-inch scale (10 cm) stormtrooper Star Wars figure features character-inspired design and detail
  • ACTION FIGURE ACCESSORY: This Star Wars set also comes with a blaster accessory that easily fits in the stormtrooper figure's hands
  • POSEABLE PLAY: This Star Wars toy features multiple points of articulation and stands on its own so kids can create awesome action poses
  • COMPATIBLE ACROSS EPIC HERO SERIES WORLD OF PLAY: This figure is compatible with most accessories, vehicles, and figures in Hasbro's exclusive Epic Hero Series. (Each sold separately. Subject to availability)
  • STAR WARS GIFTS FOR KIDS: Look for other Star Wars toys including Grogu, the Mandalorian, Luke Skywalker, Ahsoka Tano, and Darth Vader to collect or give as gifts for 4 year old boys and girls

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The operation began at dusk, when the low-angled sun cast long, dramatic shadows across the living room floor—my preferred lighting for espionage. The Human had placed the target, "TK-421" I'd heard it called, on the edge of the polished end table. It stood there, a four-inch monument to rigid, plastic obedience, clutching its pathetic little weapon. An amateur. It didn't scan the perimeter, it didn't check its six. It just stood, a silent invitation to chaos. I observed from my post beneath the armchair, my tail executing a slow, hypnotic sweep. The mission was clear: neutralize the guard, secure the asset. My approach was a study in fluid dynamics. I flowed from the shadows, a ripple of gray fur, and leaped onto the armchair, then to its arm, placing me at eye-level with the sentry. It stared blankly ahead, unaware of the doom perched beside it. I extended a single, impeccably manicured claw and gently tapped its helmet. A hollow *tink*. I then applied more strategic pressure, not a violent swat, but a firm, insistent push, like a bureaucrat denying a permit. It was designed to test its "multiple points of articulation" and, more importantly, its center of gravity. As I suspected, it was woefully unbalanced. With a satisfying clatter, the plastic soldier tumbled from its post, its poseable limbs flailing in a most undignified manner as it fell to the rug below. The fall was a success, achieving the primary objective: the impact dislodged the asset. The tiny black blaster, the real prize, bounced free and skittered a few inches away from the fallen trooper. I ignored the larger casualty—it had served its purpose. With the delicate precision of a watchmaker, I hopped down and nudged the blaster with my nose. Perfect. It slid beautifully. A quick pat-pat-pat with my paw sent it on a triumphant journey under the entertainment center, into a dusty realm from which there is no return. Mission accomplished. The Stormtrooper can be collected by the Human's ground crew later; the blaster has been acquired for the permanent collection. A worthy, if short-lived, challenge.
Image of STAR WARS Epic Hero Series Stormtrooper 4-Inch Action Figure & Accessory, Toys for 4 Year Old Boys and Girls View Details

ANIME HEROES - Naruto Shippuden - Uchiha Sasuke Rinnegan/Mangekyo Sharingan Action Figure

By: ANIME HEROES

Pete's Expert Summary

My Human has acquired yet another small, plastic effigy, this one a particularly spiky-haired specimen with an overwrought sense of fashion. It is, I deduce, a "Uchiha Sasuke" action figure from a company called Bandai, a brand known for these sorts of dust-collecting trinkets. It purports to have over twenty points of articulation, which is a significant upgrade from the usual static statues that offer no sport. It also comes with tiny, interchangeable hands and other bits, which are almost certainly destined to be lost under the furniture. While the figure itself lacks the fundamental appeal of, say, a freshly laundered wool blanket, its bendable limbs and the high probability of its small accessories skittering wonderfully across the hardwood floor present a flicker of potential in an otherwise dull afternoon.

Key Features

  • Bandai's Anime Heroes figure line now lets you step into the anime world of Naruto. This Sasuke Uchiha Rinnegan / Mangekyo Sharingan version figure captures the cold and determined demeanor of Sasuke with one of his most powerful attacks
  • Comes in premium packaging that is influenced by Japanese manga and art
  • The detailed and amazingly decorated 6.5-inch scale figure allows you to recreate Sasuke's iconic moments with over 20+ points of articulation. This figure is perfect for play and display!
  • Each Anime Heroes figure comes with an additional 2 sets of switchable hands and character-specific accessories
  • Fans can look for more Anime Heroes Naruto series figures from Bandai (Each figure sold separately)

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The crime scene, as I found it, was a study in Human carelessness. A cardboard prison, emblazoned with strange symbols and a glaring portrait of the suspect, lay discarded. Inside, the culprit himself stood on the coffee table, all sharp angles and a purple tunic that was, frankly, a bit much. He stared into the middle distance with an air of profound melodrama I usually reserve for when my food bowl is only 90% full. But the most disturbing evidence was laid out beside him: two small, clear packets containing a collection of disembodied hands. A truly grisly display. I approached with caution, my tail giving a low, inquisitive flick. This little man was an enigma. He didn't smell of prey, nor did he possess the enticing rustle of a paper bag. He simply stood there, a silent challenge. I gave him a tentative nudge with my nose. He wobbled but, to his credit, remained upright. Impressive balance. I saw him not as a toy, but as a new student in my School of Advanced Gravitational Studies. His first lesson was about to begin. I raised a paw, extending a single, perfectly manicured claw, and gently tapped his spiky head. He toppled with a surprisingly complex motion. Instead of a stiff clatter, his articulated limbs gave way, and he collapsed into a posture of defeat that was deeply, artistically satisfying. His arm bent behind his back, a leg akimbo. This was no mere trinket; this was a partner in physical comedy. I nudged him again, watching his joints flex and hold a new, undignified pose. But my attention soon shifted to the packets of hands. I hooked a claw under one and sent it skittering. It slid beautifully, a tiny plastic puck of pure, unadulterated chaos. The figure could stay. He was a decent, if silent, sparring partner. But his tiny, lose-able hands? They were a masterpiece. Case closed.
Image of ANIME HEROES - Naruto Shippuden - Uchiha Sasuke Rinnegan/Mangekyo Sharingan Action Figure View Details