A pamphlet of feline opinion · est. mmxxv
Pete, the resident feline critic
The Pete Gazette
The Safety Gear Desk Reviewed for kids & the grown-ups who shop for them Reviewed from the windowsill
Also Reviewed
DARME
Blue Plastic Dome Becomes Pete's Grand Amphitheater
★★☆☆☆
DaCool
Blue Golem Assembled, Threat Assessed, Sovereignty Confirmed
★★☆☆☆
Banzk
The Banzk Six: A Cold Case, Wearily Closed
★☆☆☆☆
From the wires — the critic descends upon the next desk shortly. The toys have been warned.
Lead Review · From: JBM
Nightmare in Plastic: Pete Strapped to a Skateboard
Our critic dreams of being force-armored onto a skateboard, wakes in horror at the JBM gear, and consoles himself by kneading anxieties into the human's cashmere sweater.
By Pete · Resident Feline Critic

So, the Human has acquired what appears to be a personal suit of armor for some kind of clumsy, self-propelled outdoor ritual. It is, to be clear, utterly useless to me. This "JBM Protective Gear Set" consists of a hard hat with holes in it—presumably so the meager thoughts can evaporate more efficiently—and various plastic shells meant to be strapped to th…

Continued on the story page →
Image of JBM Adult & Kid Skating Protective Gear Set for Beginner to Advanced, Skateboard Helmet Knee and Elbow Pads with Wrist Guards for Inline Roller Skating, Scooter, Skateboarding
Fig. 1 — the subject
Pete's Verdict
★☆☆☆☆
A wearable nightmare; the sweater was better
From The Desk
Image of Tanden Skating Protective Gear Adult Knee and Elbow Pads Wrist Guards for Roller Skating Skateboarding, Skate Pads Adult Knee Pads for Men Women Black
Tanden
The Penitent's Uniform Delivers Public Spectacle

My Human has presented me with a collection of strange, hard-shelled carapaces from a brand called Tanden. Apparently, these are not advanced food bowls or sleeping pods, but "pro…

★★★☆☆ — Useless to me; priceless spectacle
More From The Desk
Image of HENXING Kids Helmet Knee Elbow Pads Wrist Guard Sport Protective Gear Adjustable Scooter Skateboard Roller Bike Skate Cycling Safety Set for Boy Girl 4-12 Years(Red)
HENXING
The Red Comet Rides; Pete Watches From the Window

My human has presented me with a collection of garish red plastic carapaces, held together with flimsy-looking straps. They claim this "HENXING" kit …

★★☆☆☆
Image of Youth/Kids Knee Pads Elbow Pads Wrist Guards Protective Gear Set for 3-15 Years Child Roller Skates, Skateboard, Cycling, Inline Skating, BMX Bike, Balance Bike, Scooter Riding and Other Outdoor Sports
SOHOUR HOME
Velcro Symphony Composed; Pads Demoted to Sound Installation

My human, in a moment of questionable judgment, has acquired what appears to be a set of personal armor for a very small, clumsy being. From what I c…

★★☆☆☆
Image of Kids Protective Gear Set Wemfg Knee Pads for Kids 3-8 Years Toddler Knee and Elbow Pads with Wrist Guards 3 in 1 for Skating Cycling Bike Rollerblading Scooter(Blue)
Wemfg
Fortified Compound Built From Wemfg Spare Parts

My human, in a display of logic so flawed it borders on performance art, has procured what appears to be armor for a miniature, two-legged creature. …

★★★☆☆
Image of 6PCS Kids Protective Gear Set, Knee Pads for Kids 3-10 Years Old, Toddler Elbow Pads, Wrist Guards, Skating Cycling Bike Rollerblading Scooter, Upgraded & Durable Material, Boys, Girls,Youth, Black
WayEee
Guardian of the Realm Blesses the WayEee Armor

My human has presented me with what appears to be a set of primitive armor for the smaller, noisier human. The brand, "WayEee," sounds suspiciously l…

★★★☆☆
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