Pete's Expert Summary
My human, in a fit of what I can only assume was profound misunderstanding of my sophisticated needs, has procured a sack of twelve hollow plastic spheres from a brand called "Champion Sports." The name alone suggests a level of exhausting exertion I find vulgar. Apparently, these are for some primitive human throwing ritual, but the description foolishly suggests they are also for "pets," a category I refuse to be lumped into. Their lightweight, hollow nature is mildly intriguing; they promise a satisfyingly loud skitter across the hardwood floors with minimal effort on my part. While the sheer quantity offers potential for creating a delightful amount of clutter under the furniture, the association with a brutish game like "fetch" is frankly insulting. It might warrant a cursory bat, but only if it happens to roll directly into my path between naps.
Key Features
- Athletic baseball equipment: Spend time outdoors with Champion Sports’ Plastic Baseballs; Perfect for practicing your pitch, batting skills, or for some leisure time playing catch with friends
- Regulation size balls: Each plastic hollow ball has a 9 inch circumference so you can use them for pitching, batting, throwing, and catching practice to improve your baseball game every time
- Fun for all ages: Little kids and adults alike will love these highly durable baseballs thanks to their hollow design that allows nonstop fun whether playing baseball or fetch with a pet
- Lightweight and durable: The innovative hollow design makes each ball lightweight enough to carry anywhere and the plastic make them highly durable so they can take hit after hit without breaking
- A dozen baseballs in a pack: Each pack contains 12 hollow white plastic balls for endless fun; They are easy to see in a large field so you never have to worry about losing them
A Tale from Pete the Cat
The offering was presented in a mesh bag, a vessel reeking of plastic and indignity. My human, beaming with the misplaced confidence of a simpleton, shook it. The contents produced a dry, cheap rattle that grated on my finely tuned ears. "Look, Pete! Balls!" she chirped, as if I were some common alley scavenger. I gave her my flattest stare, the one I reserve for when she serves my dinner a full minute late, and began meticulously grooming a single, perfect strand of fur on my tuxedoed chest. My dismissal was palpable. Unfazed, she upended the bag. It was not a singular, thoughtful gift. It was a deluge. A dozen stark white orbs cascaded onto the dark wood of the living room floor, scattering with a cacophony of hollow clatters. They rolled in every direction, an undisciplined, chaotic militia invading my sovereign territory. One bumped gently against my paw. I did not deign to move it. This wasn't a toy; it was an infestation. An insult of quantity over quality. I narrowed my eyes, watching them come to rest under the sofa, against the legs of the coffee table, by the hearth. An army of silent, plastic intruders. Hours passed. The sunbeam I occupied shifted, and I was forced to relocate. As I stretched, my paw inadvertently brushed against one of the spheres. The effect was immediate and startling. The ball, being utterly devoid of substance, shot away from me as if fired from a cannon, zipping across the floor and ricocheting off the baseboard with a sharp *thwack!*. The speed, the sound, the sheer distance traveled for such a minuscule output of energy... it was... efficient. I approached another, and with a deliberate, controlled flick, sent it careening into the kitchen. I watched its trajectory, calculated the rebound. A third followed. This was not "play." This was physics. This was chaos theory. With twelve identical variables, I was no longer a pampered cat; I was a furry, four-legged god of motion, a conductor of a plastic symphony. I could orchestrate collisions. I could bank shots. I could create a kinetic sculpture of my own design, a minefield of hollow spheres for the human to navigate in the dark. The fools thought they gave me a dozen toys. What they actually gave me was a dozen pawns, and I was just beginning to map out the board.
