Hollow Vinyl Pencil-Wielder Banished to Sofa Darkness

The silence of the house was my kingdom, and I, its benevolent ruler, was conducting my midday patrol. All was in order: the sunbeam on the oriental rug was at peak temperature, the water bowl was acceptably full, and the couch cushions were arranged for optimal napping. It was then that I saw it, an interloper standing stark and pale against the dark wood of the media console. It hadn't been there during my morning inspection. It was a strange, flat-looking creature, all sharp angles and wide, empty eyes. It held a weapon, a pencil, as if it believed such a primitive tool could challenge my authority. I approached with the low, silent glide I reserve for worthy adversaries and particularly foolish spiders. A deep sniff revealed nothing but the sterile scent of vinyl and the faint, lingering odor of my human's hands. It was rigid, unmoving. Was it a scout for some larger invasion of inanimate objects? I extended a single, perfect claw and tapped its oversized head. It wobbled precariously, its balance clearly compromised by its absurd proportions. A second, more forceful tap sent it tumbling from the console. It did not shatter. It did not squeak. It landed on the rug with a dull, unsatisfying *thump*. This was no warrior. I nudged it with my nose. It rolled onto its back, its pencil pointed uselessly at the ceiling. I saw it for what it was: a hollow idol, a thing of no substance. I batted it once, sending it skittering under the couch into the dusty darkness where forgotten things go to be forgotten further. My work was done. The kingdom was secure. Later, I heard the human's lament. "Doodlebob? Where did Doodlebob go? I just put him out!" I watched her from my perch on the armchair, feigning sleep, and offered a silent verdict. The creature had failed the most basic test of existence in my world: it was not fun to chase, it was not good to eat, and it was terrible at napping. Its only value was in its brief, silent flight into obscurity. A worthy, if temporary, addition to the dust bunny empire.