Pete's Expert Summary
My Human, in a fit of what can only be described as questionable judgment, has procured a Fisher-Price artifact. It is, apparently, a "playset," which is human-toddler for "collection of objects to be briefly handled before being lost under the furniture." It consists of a garish green plastic tree structure and eight chunky, plastic effigies of woodland creatures. The entire apparatus seems designed to teach a small, clumsy human how to put pegs in holes, an activity with zero tactical value. While the small figures—a bear, a fox, a squirrel—are vaguely prey-sized, their hard, smooth texture and lack of scent or movement mark them as profoundly uninteresting. This is not a toy; it is an exercise in futility, a monument to wasted potential that could have been a nice, crinkly paper bag.
Key Features
- Set of 8 forest-themed animal figures with cute, tree-shaped carry case for take-along pretend play
- Kids can sort each animal into its corresponding cubby in the tree
- Tree helps set the scene for storytelling play, then stores all the figures for easy cleanup and travel
- Figures sized just right for small hands to grasp and move, helping to strengthen fine motor skills
- Encourages imaginative play and storytelling for toddlers and preschool kids ages 1 to 5 years old
A Tale from Pete the Cat
The ceremony began shortly after the Unboxing Ritual. My Human, the High Priestess of this new, baffling creed, placed the green plastic totem on the rug. One by one, she produced the idols from its hollow core—a stoic bear, a vacant-eyed owl, a garishly orange fox—and placed each into a corresponding niche in the totem. She spoke to them in soft, encouraging tones, as if trying to coax life into their plastic forms. I observed from my post on the armchair, tail twitching in academic curiosity. This was clearly a new religion entering my domain, and it was my duty to assess its power. Soon, the intended disciple arrived: a small visiting human-kitten, summoned to worship. The novice was clumsy, its "fine motor skills" more like a series of controlled stumbles. It grabbed the deer effigy and attempted to force it into the squirrel's rightful alcove, a clear act of heresy. There were chants—babbles and shrieks, mostly—as the idols were removed and incorrectly re-housed. The totem was shaken. The bear was briefly put in the small human's mouth. I watched this pathetic display of devotion with disdain. Their faith was chaotic, their rituals meaningless. After the novice was removed for its scheduled nap, the shrine sat unattended. Now was my time for true theological inquiry. I padded silently across the rug and approached the totem. I sniffed the raccoon idol; it smelled of nothing but the factory that spawned it and faint traces of human-kitten saliva. No spiritual energy. I extended a single, perfect claw and gently hooked the squirrel from its perch. It tumbled to the rug with a dull, unsatisfying *clack*. I nudged it. It slid an inch, then stopped, its painted-on smile mocking me. There was no life, no chase, no soul to this pantheon. It was a false religion. I gave the squirrel a final, dismissive pat that sent it skittering under the sofa, an offering to the God of Dust Bunnies, and returned to my throne. Some idols are not worth the worship.