My human, in her infinite and baffling wisdom, has presented me with what appears to be a plush, green monstrosity from a brand named "Pbooo," a sound I typically associate with a failed ambush. This "Dancing Talking Cactus" is, by all accounts, a vessel of pure chaos. It wiggles unnaturally, flashes lights that threaten the sanctity of my sunbeam naps, and…
Continued on the story page →
My human has presented me with what appears to be a large, offensively blue canine effigy. According to the data I've absorbed through sheer proximit…
My human has presented me with what appears to be a plush effigy of a hamster, a creature I hold in mild contempt. This particular specimen, from a c…
So, my human has acquired a large, blue, plastic creature with unnervingly large eyes and an aggressive number of spikes. They call it "Sonic." Appar…
My staff, in a fit of what I can only assume was profound boredom, has procured a plush effigy of a barnyard animal from a company named "Hopearl." T…
My human seems to have acquired yet another plastic doodad, this one apparently for teaching undersized, noisy humans how to make more noise. It’s a …