A photo of Pete the cat

Pete's Toy Box: Loving Family

Dollhouse People, Bendable Dollhouse Family Set – 9 Poseable Figures Including Grandpa, Grandma, Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Cousins, and a Baby Girl – Perfect for Dollhouse Play and Imaginative Fun

By: TOMLEON

Pete's Expert Summary

My human, in a fit of what can only be described as profound misunderstanding of my needs, has presented a collection of miniature effigies from a brand called TOMLEON. Apparently, these are "Dollhouse People." To me, they look like a silent, judgmental committee, sized perfectly for batting under the sofa. Their key feature seems to be that they are "poseable," which means I can arrange them in various states of peril and supplication before delivering the final, decisive swat. While their intricate clothing and painted-on expressions are a waste of effort—I care not for their tiny, fabricated emotions—their durability is a direct challenge to my capabilities. They might serve as adequate stand-ins for the birds that taunt me from beyond the glass, but I suspect their primary value lies in the box they arrived in, which is undoubtedly of superior construction and ideal for napping.

Key Features

  • FULLY POSEABLE FIGURES: Each doll features movable heads, arms, and legs, allowing for lifelike positioning—stand, sit, kneel, or bend—for endless imaginative play.
  • PERFECT DOLLHOUSE FIT: Sized to complement most dollhouses seamlessly, these figures enhance playtime with realistic family dynamics.
  • REALISTIC DESIGN& DETAIL: These meticulously crafted dolls, with intricate facial features and vibrant clothing, add charm and authenticity to any dollhouse setup.
  • DURABLE & CHILD-FRIENDLY: Made from high-quality, non-toxic materials, these figures are designed to withstand hours of play while fitting comfortably in small hands.
  • IDEAL GIFT SET: This set comes in a beautifully colored box, making it a wonderful gift for birthdays, holidays, or any special occasion. It has been safety tested to meet all US standards.

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The box was, as predicted, a masterpiece of corrugated engineering. I was just settling into its crisp, angular embrace when the human committed the ultimate sacrilege: she removed the contents. Out came a small army of figures, a silent, smiling clan that she arranged on the living room rug. Grandpa, Dad, a gaggle of smaller ones. They stood there, staring into the middle distance, their flexible limbs betraying a disturbing lack of skeletal integrity. I watched from the arm of the chair, my tail twitching with contempt. Another monument to human folly. Later, under the cloak of twilight filtering through the bay window, I descended to investigate the scene. The little family was still there, a tableau of domestic bliss. I approached with the silence befitting my station, my paws making no sound on the plush terrain. My first subject was the one they called "Dad." He wore a disquieting blue shirt. I extended a single, perfect claw and gently hooked the fabric. With a flick of my wrist, I sent him tumbling backward. He landed without a sound, his poseable legs now bent at an unnatural angle above his head. Pathetic. There was no sport in this. But then I saw the baby. The smallest of the lot, swaddled and helpless. An idea, dark and brilliant, began to form in my mind. This was not a hunt. This was an opera. I was not a predator; I was a director, a god of this tiny, pliable universe. I began to rearrange them. Grandpa and Grandma were placed facing the corner, as if in punishment. The two cousins were set up for a duel, their soft hands unable to hold the imaginary pistols I’d envisioned for them. The parents were separated, placed at opposite ends of the rug, destined to gaze longingly at each other across an impassable sea of patterned wool. My magnum opus, however, was the final scene. I gathered them all into a circle, their heads bent forward as if in worship. And in the center, placed gently upon a small dust bunny I’d corralled for the occasion, I sat the baby. It was a coronation. Or perhaps a sacrifice. The ambiguity was the art. I surveyed my work, a silent, chaotic drama brought to life by my own magnificent whimsy. They were not toys to be chased, but actors for my grand theatre. For that, and that alone, they had earned a temporary reprieve from being lost under the furnace vent.

Creative Minds Marvel Education Caucasian Family Toy Figure Set for Kids Ages 3+, Set of 8 Inclusive and Diverse Dollhouse Toy Figurines, Multicolor

By: Cre8tive Minds

Pete's Expert Summary

It appears The Staff has acquired a collection of miniature, static humans – a so-called "family." They are made of some durable vinyl, which is a minor point in their favor, as they will likely withstand being batted off the coffee table. The smallest one, the "baby," is a potentially amusing size for skittering across the hardwood floor until it disappears under the sofa. The rest, however, are just bland, upright obstacles. They possess no feathers, no crinkle, and certainly no scent of tuna. Unless their purpose is to serve as silent, judgmental audience members for my naps, I find their potential for genuine amusement to be severely limited.

Key Features

  • SET OF 8 CAUCASIAN TOY FIGURES: Brings diversity to pretend play and supports multi-generational family dynamics with the inclusion of multiple generations, from baby to grandparents
  • ENCOURAGES OPEN-MINDED PLAY: Ideal for use in preschool, nurseries, Sunday school, childcare, and therapy sessions, supporting social emotional development
  • REALISTIC DETAILS: Each toy figure is painted and realistically detailed - your child will be able to feel the details, such as the ripples on their clothing, promoting self-regulation
  • DURABLE AND CHILD-FRIENDLY: Made of solid vinyl, these small figure toys are sturdy and withstand child play, making them great for little ones who may tend to throw, step on, or chew their dolls
  • GREAT FOR CHILDREN AGES 3+: Tallest person figure measures 5" H, while the baby sits at 1.75"H, making it perfect for the little hands of children ages 3+

A Tale from Pete the Cat

I first observed them from the safety of the velvet ottoman, my tail giving a slow, irritated flick. The Human had arranged them on the low bookshelf, a silent, smiling council of plastic. An entire lineage, from the stooped, gray-haired elders to the ridiculously small infant, all staring into the middle distance. An invasion of banality. For an hour, I watched them do nothing, their painted-on cheerfulness an insult to the complex emotional tapestry of my afternoon nap schedule. They were beneath my notice, mere shelf-clutter destined to gather dust. Then, a low rumble started. It wasn't thunder. It was the dreaded *vacuum monster*, roaring to life in the hallway. My nap was officially over. I scrambled for higher ground, leaping onto the very bookshelf occupied by the plastic intruders. As the monster shrieked past the doorway, its vibrations traveled up the wooden shelves, and something remarkable happened. The "Grandfather" figure, top-heavy and solemn, began to teeter. He swayed back and forth, a metronome of impending doom, before finally tipping over and knocking the "Father" figure into the "Teenage Daughter," creating a domino effect of silent, plastic chaos. My disdain shifted to curiosity. This wasn't a toy; it was an instrument. A system of levers and weights waiting for a prime mover. I was that prime mover. After the vacuum monster retreated, I approached the fallen family. With a delicate nudge of my nose, I righted the Grandfather. With a soft pat from my tuxedoed paw, I sent the "Mother" skidding toward the edge. I was a god of their tiny universe, a furry, gray agent of entropy and order. I could build their society or topple it with a single, elegant swipe. The infant figure remained. It was too small and stout to be easily tipped. This was a different challenge. A test of dexterity, not brute force. I hooked a single claw into the vinyl ripples of its clothing and dragged it to the edge of the shelf. I held it there, suspended over the abyss of the beige carpet, pondering its fate. Then, I let it go. It didn't make a satisfying crash, just a dull little *thump*. The game was a quiet one, a strategic one. It required intellect, not just instinct. While they would never replace a good feather wand, this silent family offered a unique, cerebral diversion. They were worthy, not as toys, but as pawns in my own private, quiet dramas.

Fisher-Price Loving Family Sister

By: Fisher-Price

Pete's Expert Summary

So, the Human has procured a miniature plastic hominid from the Fisher-Price tribe, a clan known for creating remarkably durable chew-things. This one, a 'Sister,' is ostensibly for a tiny human's miniature dwelling. From my perspective, its primary value lies in its size—perfect for a targeted paw-swat from a high perch—and its tantalizingly small accessories. The tethered book presents a fascinating challenge in applied physics and dental deconstruction. However, its complete lack of self-animation is a significant drawback. It won’t scurry, it won’t jingle, it just... lies there, waiting for me to do all the work. It might be a worthy five-minute distraction before a nap, but it's hardly a main event.

Key Features

  • Newly designed and sized figure, ready to make herself at home in the Loving Family Dollhouse
  • Grasping and posing the figure in different positions help enhance fine motor skills
  • Includes backpack and a tethered book
  • Collect the whole family and bring them to the Loving Family dollhouse! (Figures, room sets and dollhouse sold separately and subject to availability.)

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The monolith arrived on a Tuesday. The Human, in a fit of what I can only assume was domestic whimsy, placed the small, smiling effigy on the edge of the forbidden bookshelf—my bookshelf. It stood there, a sentinel of cheerfulness, its plastic eyes gazing into a future I was not a part of. It was an intruder, a silent colonist in my kingdom of dust motes and sunbeams. I watched from the arm of the sofa, my tail twitching a slow, deliberate rhythm against the velvet. This 'Sister,' as the Human called her, was an unknown quantity. Her stillness was more unnerving than any frantic laser dot. I began my reconnaissance under the cover of the Human's distraction with their glowing rectangle. A silent leap brought me to the shelf. Up close, the intruder was even more perplexing. It smelled of nothing, of the void. A sterile, factory scent. I extended a single, perfect claw and gently prodded its head. It wobbled, its oversized cranium threatening to betray its balance, but it held firm. A cursory inspection revealed a small blue growth on its back—a 'backpack'—and, more interestingly, a tiny book forever bound to its hand by a plastic leash. An eternally tethered story. The audacity. What secrets did it hold that it must be so jealously guarded? The test would be one of physics. A simple bat of the paw would be too crude, too common. This required finesse. I positioned myself, lowered my center of gravity, and administered a firm, calculated shove with my nose. The Sister tipped backward without a sound, a perfect arc of silent surprise. She tumbled from the shelf, turning once in the air, her tethered book flailing like a desperate limb. The impact on the hardwood floor was a sharp, clinical *clack*. A beautiful sound. It was the sound of order being restored. I peered over the edge at the result. She lay on her back, one arm flung over her head, her painted smile now directed at the ceiling. She had failed to resist, failed to flee, failed to do anything at all. And yet, the trajectory of her fall had been… satisfying. I leaped down, gave her a final, dismissive sniff, and nudged her with a paw until she was safely stashed under the radiator. She wasn't a plaything; she was a prop. A tool for demonstrating the immutable laws of gravity. On that basis, and that basis alone, she was deemed worthy. For now.

Fisher-Price Loving Family Everything for Baby

By: Fisher-Price

Pete's Expert Summary

So, the human has procured a miniature representation of its own tedious life cycle. This "Everything for Baby" set by Fisher-Price is, ostensibly, a collection of plastic props for tiny humans to practice being big humans. It includes a small plastic being and all the absurd contraptions it requires: a stroller for pointless journeys, a high chair for messy feedings, and a "play mat" that looks like an insultingly small and uncomfortable place for a nap. For a feline of my stature, its only potential lies in the individual pieces. The small figure might be bat-able, the stroller could be satisfyingly knocked over, but as a whole, it is a monument to the noisy, inconvenient creatures it mimics. A waste of perfectly good plastic that could have been a laser pointer.

Key Features

  • Includes baby, carrier, stroller, high chair, play mat and bib
  • Bring Everything for Baby to the Loving Family Dream Dollhouse! (Sold separately;)
  • Pull-out ironing board with tethered iron
  • Bring Everything for Baby to the Loving Family Dream Dollhouse (Sold separately;)

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The box arrived with little fanfare, its contents unceremoniously dumped onto the rug by the smallest of my humans. I watched from the arm of the leather chair, a silent, gray judge observing the plastic detritus. A stroller, a carrier, a high chair… a complete diorama of domestic drudgery. My initial assessment was a swift and resounding "unworthy." I had important sunbeams to patrol and the structural integrity of a new cardboard box to test. These trifles were beneath my notice. I closed my eyes, dismissing the scene as yet another example of my staff's questionable purchasing habits. For a week, the tiny plastic homunculus sat in its high chair, a silent sentinel in the middle of the living room floor. Its painted-on eyes held a placid, infuriating emptiness. Every time I padded past, I felt its vacant stare on my magnificent tuxedo coat. It didn't squeak, it didn't crinkle, it didn't dart away in a delightful frenzy of fear. It just sat there, a tiny effigy of the very creature whose sudden wails could shatter the perfect stillness of my afternoon slumber. This was not a toy. It was an idol representing everything I disdained. A quiet mockery. The storm that had been brewing in my soul finally broke one evening. The house was dark, the humans lost in their noisy picture box. I descended from my perch, a shadow with purpose. I did not bat at the figure. Play was not my objective. This was a matter of principle. With the surgical precision of a seasoned hunter, I hooked a claw under the leg of the high chair and tipped it over with a soft clatter. The plastic "baby" tumbled out. I nudged it with my nose. It was smooth, hard, and utterly soulless. Perfect. I took the figure gently in my mouth—not to chew, but to transport. This was a relocation, a strategic removal from a place of honor. I carried my prisoner to the farthest corner under the antique credenza, a dusty catacomb of forgotten things. There, I dropped it. It lay on its back, its painted eyes staring up into the wooden abyss. It was no longer a centerpiece, but a forgotten relic, a tribute to my authority. The other pieces of the set could remain scattered on the rug; they were meaningless. But this one, this symbol of my rival, was now exactly where it belonged: out of sight and under my complete and total dominion. A surprisingly fulfilling, if unorthodox, interactive experience. The set is junk, but the effigy is a five-star tool for catharsis.

Fisher-Price Replacement Part Loving Family Dollhouse - Replacement Articulated, Poseable, Baby Figure Dressed in an Orange Onsie, Infant has Brown Hair and Blue Eyes

By: Fisher-Price

Pete's Expert Summary

My human, in their infinite and often baffling wisdom, has procured a single, minuscule homunculus from a purveyor of juvenile plastic goods called Fisher-Price. This is not a cat toy company, an immediate mark against it. It's a "Genuine Replacement Part," which suggests the original was lost or, more likely, dispatched by a predecessor of superior taste. It is an articulated baby figure, meaning its limbs can be moved into various positions of distress, which is a mildly intriguing feature. Its purpose is to populate a small, fake house that currently occupies a perfectly good patch of sun. Frankly, its potential as a worthy adversary is low, but its skittering potential across a hardwood floor might, just *might*, save it from being utterly ignored.

Key Features

  • Genuine Replacement Part
  • Includes 1 Baby Figure
  • Perfect Shape and Fitting for your Fisher-Price Loving Family Dollhouse
  • Replacement Parts come in a sealed plastic bag - as received from Manufacturer
  • Made for Fisher-Price Loving Family Dollhouse

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The ceremony began, as it often does, with the crinkle of forbidden plastic. The Staff knelt before the great, garish edifice they call the "Loving Family Dollhouse"—a structure I consider prime napping territory currently squandered on motionless inhabitants. From the plastic sheath, they produced a new offering: a tiny, silent creature in a startlingly orange jumper. Its plastic eyes, a vacant blue, stared into the middle distance. With a strange reverence, The Staff placed the new idol into a crib in the center of the upstairs room, right between the eternally smiling "mother" and "father" figures. I watched from the arm of the sofa, my tail giving a slow, judgmental twitch. This was not normal. The silent vigil of the other dolls suddenly seemed less placid and more sinister. They weren't just sitting there; they were *waiting*. This new baby, this replacement, was clearly the centerpiece of some bizarre, silent ritual I could not comprehend, but certainly did not approve of. Were they welcoming it? Preparing it for something? My house is a place of refined quiet and orderly meals, not a haven for creepy, plastic cults. Action was required. I am the master of this domain, and all rituals must be personally sanctioned by me. I made a fluid, silent leap onto the end table beside the dollhouse, granting me a god's-eye view of the proceedings. The plastic family remained still, their painted-on devotion to the new arrival unnerving me. I would be their chaos. I extended a single, perfect paw with claws discreetly sheathed—I am an artist, not a vandal—and hooked the new baby's articulated arm. It was lighter than a mouse, an insult to prey everywhere. I lifted it from its ceremonial crib and trotted away, its poseable limbs flailing slightly with the motion of my gait. I dropped it unceremoniously on the dark wood of the hallway floor. I gave it a firm, exploratory pat. It shot across the polished surface, spinning end over end before coming to a stop near the kitchen. I watched it go, then looked back at the dollhouse. The ritual was broken, the cult disrupted. The tiny homunculus failed as an object of worship, but as a high-speed, low-drag floor puck? I must concede, it has its merits. The Staff can find another sacrifice for their weird little family. This one now works for me.

Replacement Figure for Loving Family Dollhouse - BML25 ~ African American Little Sister Toddler Figure

By: Mattel

Pete's Expert Summary

So, my Human has acquired yet another tiny, plastic homunculus. This one is designated a "Replacement Little Sister," a clear admission of their failure to safeguard the original from... let's call it 'household attrition.' It's a product from Mattel, or Fisher-Price, or whichever subsidiary deals in these miniature monuments to stillness. For me, its appeal is purely tactical. It lacks feathers, scent, or any self-respecting toy's ability to fight back. However, its small, dense form is perfectly engineered for being swatted off a high surface and skittering into a hard-to-reach location. It is, in essence, not a toy, but a challenge to my dominion over the lost things of this house. A temporary amusement before a long nap.

Key Features

  • GENUINE Replacement Part
  • INCLUDES African American Little Sister Toddler Figure
  • PERFECT Shape and Fitting for your Fisher-Price Loving Family Dollhouse
  • AUTHENTIC REPLACEMENT PARTS come in a sealed plastic bag - as received from Manufacturer
  • MADE FOR MODEL # BML25 - Fisher-Price Loving Family Dollhouse

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The crime scene was just as I remembered it. The garish pink balcony of the "Loving Family Dollhouse," a place from which the previous "Little Sister" had taken a mysterious, paw-assisted tumble weeks ago. I watched from the arm of the sofa, my eyes narrowed to silver slits, as the Human unwrapped the crinkly plastic and placed the replacement figure in the exact same spot. The audacity. This wasn't just replacing a lost item; this was a direct challenge to my authority. They thought they could simply repopulate the tiny plastic world I had so carefully depopulated. A grave miscalculation. I feigned a deep, sonorous purr, closing my eyes as if succumbing to a sudden wave of drowsiness. But behind my lids, I was plotting. The route was clear: a silent drop to the rug, a low-slung commando crawl under the coffee table to avoid the Human's line of sight, and then the final approach. The target was small, immobile, and perched precariously. A rookie mistake on their part. Amateurs. The Human settled in with their glowing screen, a predictable pattern that always created the perfect window of opportunity. The moment came. I flowed from the sofa like a silent gray shadow, my tuxedo markings offering surprisingly effective camouflage against the evening gloom. I paused behind the leg of an end table, my tail giving a single, decisive flick. Then, a burst of speed. I didn't bother with the miniature staircase; I simply placed my front paws on the dollhouse's roof and peered over the edge. There she was, the little plastic intruder, staring blankly into space. A single, exquisitely precise tap from my paw was all it took. The figure cartwheeled off the balcony, landing on the hardwood floor with a faint *click* that was music to my ears. I retrieved the prize, carrying it gently in my mouth. It had no flavor, no satisfying crunch, but that wasn't the point. I trotted over to the grand bookcase, its lowest shelf a dark cavern of shadows and dust bunnies. With a nudge of my nose, I pushed the figure deep into the back, where it joined a stray bottle cap, a desiccated spider, and, if I'm not mistaken, its long-lost predecessor. This wasn't a toy to be played with. It was a trophy. A testament that in this house, when something is gone, it is I, Pete, who decides if it ever truly comes back. Verdict: a worthy, if temporary, adversary.

TOMLEON Family Dollhouse People - Doll House People Figures - 5 Poseable Action Figures Incl. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Toddler - Small Dolls for Dollhouse - Dollhouse Dolls (Family)

By: TOMLEON

Pete's Expert Summary

My human has presented me with what appears to be a miniature tribe of hominids, a product of the TOMLEON brand. These five plastic figures, with their unnervingly pliable joints and vacant smiles, are apparently designed to populate a "dollhouse," which I have always viewed as a tragically under-utilized napping box. Their supposed "beautiful design" is lost on me; they look like bland, edible statues. However, their small stature and "movable joints" do present a certain tactical advantage. While the concept of a "family" is a human sentimentality I cannot be bothered with, the potential for strategically batting these figures into the dark abyss beneath the sofa gives them a slight, fleeting edge over a common dust bunny.

Key Features

  • 👪 Movable Joints: Enjoy versatile playtime with these dolls, as they come with movable joints that allow for realistic posing and imaginative scenarios.
  • 👪 Compatibility: Designed to fit seamlessly into most dollhouses, these dolls are the perfect addition to complete your miniature world.
  • 👪 Endless Play Possibilities: Foster creativity and storytelling with these versatile dolls, opening the door to endless imaginative adventures.
  • 👪 Beautiful Design: Each doll features exquisite, attention-grabbing design details, adding elegance and charm to your dollhouse.
  • 👪 High-Quality Materials: These dolls are crafted with premium materials, ensuring durability and longevity for countless hours of play.

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The campaign began at dawn, or what passes for it in this climate-controlled environment. From my observation post atop the velvet armchair, I watched the human deploy the enemy forces. Five units, designated "TOMLEON Squad," were positioned within a miniature wooden structure. Their intelligence briefing called them a "family," but I saw them for what they were: invaders. The large male unit, the "Dad," was positioned near the tiny plastic grill—a clear command post. The "Mom" stood sentinel at the door. The three smaller units were scattered inside, a disorganized militia. Their "movable joints," a key feature of their design, gave them an eerie, lifelike posture that I found both insulting and intriguing. My first move was a test of their defenses. A silent drop from the armchair, a low crawl behind the ottoman, and I was in position. I chose the "Brother" unit as my initial target; he was isolated near a minuscule window, gazing out with a painted-on optimism that had to be extinguished. A single, perfectly executed paw-strike sent him airborne. He landed with a soft clatter on the hardwood, his limbs akimbo in a pose of abject surrender. The "high-quality materials" they boasted of held true; he did not shatter, meaning he could be... re-interrogated later. The human, with a sigh, simply picked him up and placed him back inside. So, they had reinforcements. The war would be one of attrition. Over the next hour, I refined my tactics. A frontal assault was too obvious. Instead, I initiated Operation Under-Rug, a stealth maneuver to secure the smallest unit, the "Toddler." I nudged it with my nose, separating it from the herd until it toppled from the dollhouse's open side. Once it was on the floor—my territory—it was a simple matter to capture it in my mouth and transport it to my primary base of operations beneath the bed. It was not a toy; it was a prisoner of war. The human eventually gave up resetting the scene, leaving the remaining three figures to their fate. I surveyed my work: one POW secured, one unit demoralized and left askew on the rug, and the command structure in disarray. These TOMLEON figures, initially dismissed as mere plastic trinkets, had proven to be a surprisingly durable and versatile strategic simulation. They are not for "play." They are for honing one's skills as the undisputed ruler of this domain. They are, I must begrudgingly admit, worthy adversaries.

Fisher-Price Loving Family Mom

By: Fisher-Price

Pete's Expert Summary

My human has presented me with a small plastic effigy, a "Fisher-Price Loving Family Mom," which, by the name alone, suggests it is meant for the clumsy, drooling juvenile of the species, not a sophisticated feline such as myself. It appears to be a rigid, un-chewable statue accompanied by minuscule accessories, like a so-called "diaper bag." The primary appeal seems to be its potential for being swatted off a high surface, as its lack of soft fur, feathers, or a crinkling sound renders it fundamentally flawed. While the act of sending it skittering across the hardwood floor holds a certain fleeting charm, it lacks any real substance and is, in essence, a high-quality piece of clutter and a waste of my invaluable napping time.

Key Features

  • Newly designed and sized figure, ready to make herself at home in the Loving Family Dollhouse
  • Grasping and posing the figure in different positions help enhance fine motor skills
  • Includes diaper bag with tethered bottle and changing pad
  • Collect the whole family and bring them to the Loving Family dollhouse! (Figures, room sets and dollhouse sold separately and subject to availability.)

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The incident occurred during what I call the "Hour of Ghosts," that strange, hazy time just before dawn when the house is silent and shadows conspire in the corners. I was conducting my nightly patrol of the kitchen counter—a forbidden territory, which only adds to its allure—when I first saw her. She stood near the fruit bowl, bathed in the eerie green light of the microwave clock, her painted-on smile a beacon of unsettling cheerfulness. She was an intruder, a tiny plastic homunculus of unknown origin and intent. I flattened myself, my gray fur melding with the granite countertop, and approached with the stealth of a panther. This was not a toy; this was an operative. The tiny "diaper bag" she carried was surely a communications device, the tethered bottle a concealed weapon. I crept closer, my tail twitching, analyzing her weaknesses. Her posture was stiff, her limbs unyielding. She smelled of nothing but factory and faint, lingering human-hand. She was a blank slate, a perfect spy, giving away no tells. My first move was a test of her reflexes. A gentle prod with a single, extended claw to her plastic leg. She didn't flinch. She simply rocked back and forth, her placid expression unchanged. A bolder move was required. I hooked my paw around her midsection and pulled. She slid toward me with a cheap, scraping sound. I nudged her over the precipice of the counter's edge. She fell without a cry, landing on the floor with a hollow, unsatisfying *clack*. I peered down at her from my perch. She lay on her back, still smiling, her mission—whatever it was—utterly failed. She was no spy, no worthy adversary. She was simply… inert. A disappointment of the highest order. I yawned, stretched, and proceeded to knock an apple off the counter just to feel something real.