Pete's Expert Summary
My human has presented me with a small cardboard cube from a brand called Funko, a known purveyor of inert, big-headed statues that serve only to gather dust and be knocked from high shelves. This one is a "Mystery Mini Blind Box," which means the human is gambling on which tiny, grotesque plastic "Garbage Pail Kid" is inside. The allure for me is twofold and fleeting: the box itself, which offers at least thirty seconds of satisfying shredding, and the small figurine, which might be light enough to bat under the sofa, thus creating a "lost toy" crisis for my staff to solve. The concept of "collecting them all" is a purely human folly; I am only concerned with the singular object's immediate potential for causing minor, amusing chaos before it's inevitably rescued and placed out of reach.
Key Features
- Includes One Mystery Figure
- Which one will you get?
- Collect them all!
- From fantastic beasts, newt W/egg, as a stylized pop vinyl from Funko
A Tale from Pete the Cat
The box arrived with my human's usual breathless fanfare. It was pathetically small, hardly worth the effort of a full body curl, but the human shook it next to their ear, making that chirping sound that signifies imminent disappointment. They called it a "Garbage Pail Kid," a title that, I admit, sparked a flicker of professional interest. I have dedicated years to the study of the Kitchen Garbage, that sacred, crinkling vessel of untold olfactory delights. Was this a totem from that forbidden land? An ambassador from the world of discarded tuna tins and savory meat wrappers? My tail gave a hopeful twitch. My human clumsily tore the cardboard, revealing not a fragrant morsel of refuse, but a small, silent plastic creature sealed in a bag. Once liberated, it stood on the coffee table, a grotesque little thing with an oversized head and a frozen expression of... well, it was hard to tell. It smelled of a factory, not of week-old salmon. This was no child of the Garbage; it was a cheap impostor. My human seemed pleased, setting it down and babbling about its "rarity" before wandering off, leaving the idol unattended. The nerve. I approached with the stealth befitting my station. A low crouch, a slow advance, my tuxedo front brushing the polished wood. The figure did not react. It did not scurry. It did not squeak. I extended a single, perfectly manicured claw and gave it a delicate *tink*. The plastic homunculus merely slid an inch. An insult. Where was the sport? The thrill of the hunt? This was not prey. This was… scenery. With a sigh of profound boredom, I gave it a firm shove with my paw. It skittered across the table and vanished over the edge with a dissatisfying *clack* on the rug below. I did not even bother to look where it went. My verdict was clear. The toy was a failure, an affront to my predatory instincts. The true prize, I realized, was the small, empty box it had arrived in. It was the perfect size for trapping a single paw, for chewing into a damp pulp, and for leaving as a little pile of confetti on my human’s pillow. The plastic figure could stay lost in the carpet fibers. The packaging, however, was a masterpiece.
