Pete's Expert Summary
My human, in their infinite and often misguided wisdom, has presented me with this... thing. It appears to be a small, plastic effigy of their species, notable for its disproportionately large head and feet. They call it a "Bratz" doll. The main attraction, from what I can glean, is not the stiff, staring figure itself, but the treasure trove of tiny, plastic doodads that accompany it. These "accessories"—a phone, a brush, various shiny bits—are of an ideal size and weight for batting across the hardwood floors and, ultimately, losing under the heaviest piece of furniture. There is also a large, crinkly paper sheet that whispers promises of glorious, noisy shredding. While the doll itself seems a monumental waste of my time, its associated trinkets and wrapping might provide a few minutes of sport before my afternoon nap.
A Tale from Pete the Cat
The box arrived with the usual fanfare from the human—high-pitched noises and a complete disregard for my current occupation, which was supervising a sunbeam. I flicked an ear in their direction but refused to grant them the satisfaction of my full attention. The box was an odd trapezoid shape, which at least offered some novel angles for a good cheek rub later. From this strange container, the human extracted the creature: a blonde hominid with vacant eyes and feet clad in what appeared to be blue plastic bricks. She stood there, lifeless, while the human arranged an arsenal of tiny plastic objects around her. "Isn't she great, Pete?" the human chirped. I responded with a slow, deliberate blink. The jury was still out. I padded over on silent paws, my magnificent gray tuxedo a stark contrast to the toy's garish plaid ensemble. My initial inspection was, of course, thorough. A sniff of the synthetic hair confirmed my suspicions: no interesting smells. A gentle nudge with my nose determined the doll had all the engaging liveliness of a garden gnome. I extended a single, perfect claw and poked one of the chunky platform boots. It didn't move. It didn't squeak. It didn't scurry away. Utterly useless. My cynicism was proving, as it so often does, to be entirely justified. I was about to turn away in disgust and find a more suitable object to judge—like a dust bunny—when my eye caught a glimmer. It was the accessories. Scattered like offerings at the feet of a plastic goddess were the real treasures. I ignored the doll and focused on a tiny silver object shaped like one of the human's noisy rectangles. The "phone." With a deft flick of my paw, I sent it skittering across the floor. The sound was exquisite. It disappeared under the credenza with a satisfying clatter. Next, I targeted a small purse. A quick pat sent it tumbling, a far more dynamic and rewarding interaction than the doll had offered. This was the true purpose of the toy! The doll was merely a decorative, oversized container for these superior, battable items. My final verdict was swift and unwavering. The Cloe doll, as a standalone object, is an insult to the very concept of "play." It is a stationary, soulless piece of plastic. However, its collection of small, easily lost accessories is first-rate. I have already claimed the tiny phone and one of the hair clips, secreting them away for future skirmishes in the dead of night. The large paper poster also provided a few moments of satisfying ripping. The doll has been left abandoned by the bookshelf, a monument to my superior taste. The accessories are worthy, but the main attraction is nothing more than a glorified accessory rack.