The Pete Gazette: Safety Gear

The Safety Gear Desk Reviewed for kids & the grown-ups who shop for them Reviewed from the windowsill

Also Reviewed

Tanden

Conqueror Claims the Six-Piece Beetle-Armor as Podium

★★★☆☆

Banzk

RRRRRIP: The Banzk Velcro Passes Nine Rounds of Testing

★★★☆☆

BOSONER

Parasite Shells Earn Approval by Silencing the Child

★★★☆☆

From the wires — the critic descends upon the next desk shortly. The toys have been warned.

Lead Review · From: JBM

Mighty Warrior Nearly Felled by Garden Gnome

Pete constructs a battle narrative around the human armour-donning ritual, follows in solemn squirehood, watches the champion wobble toward a garden gnome, and dismisses the helmet as an emblem of weakness.

By Pete · Resident Feline Critic

My human has presented me with a collection of hard, concave plastic shells and a strangely hollow sphere, all held together by flimsy-looking fabric straps. Apparently, this "JBM" brand believes that encasing a biped in these awkward contraptions is a form of "protection" for their clumsy outdoor flailing, which they call "sports." From my vantage point, i…

Continued on the story page →

Image of JBM Adult & Kid Skating Protective Gear Set for Beginner to Advanced, Skateboard Helmet Knee and Elbow Pads with Wrist Guards for Inline Roller Skating, Scooter, Skateboarding

Fig. 1 — the subject

Pete's Verdict

★☆☆☆☆

Armor for cowards. Utterly unworthy.

From The Desk

Image of Kids Bike Helmet Set, Adjustable Helmet for Ages 3-15 Year Boys Girls, Pad Set with Knee and Elbow Pads for Bike, Roller, Skating, Scooter, Longboard and More Sports

DARME

Eleven Paw-Sized Portals Seal the Helmet's Destiny

My Human, in their infinite and often baffling wisdom, has procured a kit from a brand called DARME. It appears to be a collection of hard plastic shells and fabric straps, ostens…

★★★★☆ — Superior napping-and-ambush command centre.

More From The Desk

DaCool

Gravity Cheated; Helmet Nudged into the Azaleas

So, my Human presented me with a bag full of what appears to be rudimentary armor for one of their smaller, more chaotic counterparts. This "DaCool" …

★☆☆☆☆

Image of 6PCS Kids Protective Gear Set, Knee Pads for Kids 3-10 Years Old, Toddler Elbow Pads, Wrist Guards, Skating Cycling Bike Rollerblading Scooter, Upgraded & Durable Material, Boys, Girls,Youth, Black

WayEee

One Velcro Rip, One Shell Under the Sofa. Five to Go

My human has presented me with what appears to be a set of rudimentary armor. It consists of six black pieces designed to strap onto the flailing lim…

★★★★☆

Image of Youth/Kids Knee Pads Elbow Pads Wrist Guards Protective Gear Set for 3-15 Years Child Roller Skates, Skateboard, Cycling, Inline Skating, BMX Bike, Balance Bike, Scooter Riding and Other Outdoor Sports

SOHOUR HOME

One Hiss Sends the Rattling Knight Retreating

My human seems to believe these objects from a brand called "SOHOUR HOME" are a "toy." A profound misunderstanding. This is clearly a set of clunky, …

★★☆☆☆

Wemfg

The Prophecy of the Noisy Tumbler Comes True

My humans have procured what appears to be a dismembered exoskeleton for their small, perpetually off-balance offspring. The brand, "Wemfg," sounds l…

★☆☆☆☆

Image of FIODAY Kids Helmet Knee Pads for Kids Unicorn Knee and Elbow Pads Wrist Guards Adjustable Protective Gear Set for Girls Boys Sports Skateboard Inline Skating Scooter, Rainbow, 3-8 Years

The Unicorn Horn Refuses to Acknowledge My Authority

My human has presented me with what appears to be a set of brightly-colored, hard-shelled armor for one of their smaller, more accident-prone kind. I…

★☆☆☆☆

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