My human, in a display of either profound misunderstanding or passive-aggressive mockery, has presented me with an artifact clearly intended for a less-evolved, drooling primate. This... *thing*, a so-called 'Bandana Buddy' from Skip Hop, is an elephantine monstrosity festooned with noisy bits and garish patterns. It's a sensory assault vehicle for infants, designed to hang from their transportation cages. While the crinkly ears might offer a moment's fleeting distraction, and the dangling plastic hoops could be suitable for a brief, condescending bat, the rest is an utter waste. A detachable teething bandana for the *mother* to wear? The sheer indignity. It's a cheap thrill, a jangling insult to my refined sensibilities, and it will almost certainly end up ignored under the sofa.
It hung from the doorknob like a strange, gray fruit, a harbinger of something I could not yet name. The Human had placed it there with a cooing sound usually reserved for my dinner, which was an immediate red flag. I observed it from my post atop the bookcase, my gray tail a metronome of suspicion. It was an elephant, crudely rendered, with ears of chaotic geometry and feet of a frankly offensive orange. It seemed to be in custody, shackled with plastic rings. This was not a toy; it was a prisoner, and I was to be its warden.
I descended with the deliberate grace of a falling shadow and began my patrol. A slow, circular inspection. The captive remained silent. I extended a single, perfect claw and tapped its ear. A conspiratorial *crinkle* answered me. A secret! It was trying to communicate. I leaned in, my whiskers twitching, and pressed my nose against its side. It smelled of nothing but plastic and the Human’s misguided affection. I prodded the colored rings. They clattered with a hollow, desperate sound. A plea for freedom, perhaps? Or a warning?
Then, I saw it. A small, distorted reflection on its flank. A tiny mirror. I peered into the warped glass and saw a monstrous version of myself: a gray cat with a grotesquely wide face and enormous green eyes. Was this how the elephant saw me? As a powerful, terrifying deity? This interpretation pleased me. I was not its warden; I was its god. It dangled there, offering rustles and clacks as tribute, its distorted mirror a shrine to my magnificence. I gave the green, leaf-shaped attachment a test-bite. It was rubbery and unsatisfying, a poor offering, but an offering nonetheless.
I decided the creature could stay. Its worship was clumsy, its tributes cheap, but its devotion, reflected in that tiny, warped mirror, was undeniable. I would allow it to hang there as a constant reminder of my power and the Human’s bizarre but occasionally validating rituals. With a final, benevolent tap of its crinkly ear, I turned and sauntered away, leaving my new acolyte to its silent, jangling prayers.
Exhibit A — the specimen
The Particulars
—Full of textures, patterns and sounds, little hands stay active as baby explores rattles, crinkles and more
—This colorful character’s soft bandana teether detaches for mom to wear around her wrist for quick access
—Perfect for multi-sensory play, this cute companion is ideal for fun at home or-on-the-go
—Rattles rings and mirror, leaf shaped teether, and crinkle details
—Attaches to stroller, car seat or infant carrier
—PVC-free Phthalate-free
Pete's Verdict
★★★☆☆
Its devotion, however cheap, is undeniable.
Classified
Acquire This Trinket
Should you insist. Pete is unbothered either way.
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Filed under: Skip Hop
