The Doctor Is Irrelevant; His Gun Is Glorious

The Tall One was making his usual cooing noises of delight, reserved for new objects that don't dispense food. He carefully extracted the plastic man from its cardboard-and-plastic prison, the crinkling of which was the most exciting part of the entire affair. He stood the figure on the coffee table, a six-inch monument to poor taste. I stretched, extending one gray paw with deliberate slowness, and padded over for a closer inspection. The "Doctor" smelled of a factory. His painted-on sneer was unimpressive, and the monocle, while reflective, was too small to be truly captivating. I gave his bare plastic leg a perfunctory sniff. Worthless. This was clearly another one of the human's static dust-catchers. My initial verdict was forming: a complete failure. I was preparing to deliver my judgment with a swift shove, sending the bald man plummeting to the hardwood floor, when my human fumbled. A tiny, black object—some sort of futuristic weapon, I presumed—clattered from his hand and bounced off the table's edge. It landed on the floor with a delightful *tick-tick-skitter*. My ears swiveled, my pupils blew wide. All thoughts of the larger, boring doll vanished. This. *This* had potential. I crouched, my white-bibbed chest low to the ground, and gave the little black trinket a tentative tap. It shot across the floor, a perfect imitation of a panicked beetle. A primal thrill coursed through me. I pounced, a blur of soft gray fur, trapping the prize beneath my paw. It was hard and unsatisfying to chew, but the chase... the chase was sublime. I batted it again, this time sending it careening under the sofa. Excellent. Now the Tall One would have to get on his hands and knees with a flashlight. Entertainment for both of us. I glanced back at the Dr. Mindbender figure, still standing sentry on the table. My opinion had shifted. The man himself was irrelevant, a mere container. But as a *dispenser* of superior-quality chase-toys, he was a resounding success. I would permit him to stay. For now. As long as his tiny, wonderful accessories continued to "accidentally" fall to the floor, he had earned his place in my domain. The human, in his infinite cluelessness, had finally brought home something worthy of my attention.