A photo of Pete the cat

Pete's Toy Box: Electronic Book

LeapFrog 100 Animals Book, Green

By: LeapFrog

Pete's Expert Summary

My human has presented me with a plastic slab they call a "book." It's from a company named LeapFrog, a name that suggests a juvenile and frankly undignified level of activity. The contraption is designed for human kittens, featuring garish pictures of my fellow animals and promising to make their noises at the press of a paw. The potential for insult here is high; a poorly rendered roar or a tinny meow would be a grave offense. However, the sheer variety of creatures, from forest to ocean, offers a slim chance of auditory stimulation. It could, perhaps, serve as a primitive hunting simulator if the sounds are even remotely convincing. Otherwise, it is merely a colorful noisemaker destined to be pushed off the coffee table.

Key Features

  • Six double-sided, interactive pages feature animals from 12 categories such as the forest, the ocean and the shore
  • Explore three play modes that teach about animal names, animal sounds and fun facts
  • This fully bilingual book lets kids learn about animals and sing songs in English and Spanish
  • Fun facts about animals provide an early introduction to science concepts
  • Intended for ages 18+ months; requires 2 AA batteries; batteries included for demo purposes only; new batteries recommended for regular use

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The object arrived not for me, but for the Small Human, my chief rival for sunbeams and chin scratches. It was a block of garish green plastic, and it smelled of a factory, not of knowledge. I watched from my perch on the armchair, feigning disinterest as the Small Human mashed its sticky fingers against the pictures. A cacophony of digital squawks filled the air—a so-called lion, a purported monkey. It was an auditory crime scene. I had already condemned it as worthless clutter. Later, when silence had blessedly returned to the living room, I descended for a closer inspection. The Small Human had abandoned the device, its short attention span a reliable ally. I circled the plastic thing. The pictures were flat, lifeless. There was no texture, no scent of the wild. It was an encyclopedia of insults. Yet, there was a small switch on the side, one the Small Human had missed. A curious icon of a globe was next to it. With a delicate, practiced flick of a single claw, I nudged it. A new voice, smooth and unfamiliar, spoke from the device. "¡Hola! ¡Aprendamos sobre los animales!" My ears, which can detect a can of tuna being opened from three rooms away, perked. This was new. I tentatively pressed my paw on the picture of the tiger. "¡Tigre!" the voice declared, followed by a roar that was, shockingly, identical to the English one. A lazy cost-saving measure, no doubt. But then I pressed the bird. "Pájaro." The name was a melody. I pressed the cat. "Gato." The word felt rounder, softer in my ears than its English equivalent. I spent the next hour in quiet contemplation, not as a predator, but as a scholar. I was no longer interrogating the toy for its prey-like qualities, but for its linguistic nuances. Dog, perro. Pig, cerdo. Fish, pez. Each tap was a lesson. The device was not a window into the souls of these animals, but a strange portal into the minds of the humans who name them. It was still a ridiculous toy, and the sounds were still an abomination. But it had taught me a new way to say my own name. For a creature of my intellect, any tool that expands the mind, even a plastic one, has earned a temporary stay of execution. It can remain. For now.

VTech Musical Rhymes Book, Red

By: VTech

Pete's Expert Summary

The Human, in a staggering lapse of judgment, has presented me with a "VTech Musical Rhymes Book." It is, in essence, a garish plastic slab designed to entertain undeveloped human infants with a cacophony of nursery rhymes and flashing lights. The pages are thick and unwieldy, a crude imitation of a proper literary volume. While the notion of "learning" from this device is laughable, I will concede a certain primitive allure to the five colorful piano buttons. They offer a simple, transactional relationship: I press, it squawks. It might serve as a momentary distraction between naps, but it is hardly a toy befitting an intellect of my caliber.

Key Features

  • Easy-to-turn pages feature engaging nursery rhymes and cheerful pictures
  • Twist and slide fun play pieces on colorful pages
  • Learning and music modes introduce age-appropriate vocabulary, music and instrument sounds
  • 5 colorful piano buttons play music and introduce instruments and colors
  • Baby book is intended for kids 6 months to 3 years of age; 2 AAA batteries included for demo, use new batteries for regular use

A Tale from Pete the Cat

It arrived not with a bang, but with a silent, plastic thud upon my favorite sunning rug. The Human called it a "book," a profound insult to the noble paper-and-ink volumes I occasionally deign to nap upon. This was a crimson impostor, a hollow vessel of cheap cheer. For a full hour, I regarded it from across the room, my tail executing a slow, metronomic twitch of disdain. It was an idol to some forgotten, tasteless god, and my Human was its witless acolyte, placing it in my sacred space as an offering. My curiosity, that most troublesome of my virtues, eventually won out. I approached with the fluid grace of a stalking predator, circling the object. Its surface was unnervingly smooth. I extended a single, perfect claw and tapped one of the colorful rectangles near the bottom. The book screamed. A series of piercing electronic notes, accompanied by a flash of green light, assaulted the quiet dignity of the room. I recoiled, fur on end. It was a defense mechanism. The thing was hostile. But then, a thought bloomed in my magnificent mind. This was not a toy. This was a puzzle box, a coded communique from some lesser intelligence. The flashing lights, the repetitive, maddening tunes—they were a language. The twistable ladybug was not a plaything, but a dial for tuning frequencies. The sliding caterpillar changed the very syntax of the message. The nursery rhymes were not rhymes at all, but strategic ciphers. "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" was clearly a warning about the bath, while "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" was an obvious forecast of when the evening treats would appear. I have since taken it upon myself to decipher this device. The Human thinks it's "adorable" when I sit intently before it, methodically pressing the piano keys. They believe I am entertained. They are fools. I am not playing. I am engaged in a battle of wits with an alien intelligence, slowly but surely cracking its code. The VTech monolith will yield its secrets to me, Pete, the cryptographer of the living room. It has proven a worthy, if noisy, intellectual challenge.

LeapFrog LeapReader System Learn-to-Read 10 Book Mega Pack, Pink

By: LeapFrog

Pete's Expert Summary

My human has presented me with a training device for its offspring, a product from a company audaciously named "LeapFrog"—as if they know the first thing about a truly graceful leap. It appears to be a collection of thin, unsatisfyingly flat paper squares and a rather garish pink plastic wand. The idea is that the small human pokes the paper with the wand, and the wand speaks, teaching the little one to decipher the strange squiggles they find so fascinating. While the noises might provide a brief, curious distraction from my nap, the true value is clear: this is a long-term pacification tool. It will keep the clumsy, tail-pulling creature occupied, thus preserving the tranquility of my domain and the sanctity of my sunbeams. A tool for peace, not a toy for me.

Key Features

  • Touching the pages with the LeapReader pen helps children learn to read by sounding out letters and words in interactive stories and activities
  • Each page includes three modes to help children learn to read on their own
  • Includes 10 early reading books that feature short vowels, sight words and simple words
  • Download additional content from the LeapFrog app center including popular audio books, sing-along songs, fun facts and trivia
  • LeapReader pen works with all LeapReader books (additional books sold separately)

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The new object arrived in a box that smelled of plastic and disappointment. My human presented it not to me, the rightful king of this domain, but to the small, loud one they call "Chloe." Inside were flimsy paper tablets and a pink stick that looked like a reject from a fairy's toolkit. Chloe began prodding the pages, and a tinny, disembodied voice filled the room. "T-H-E. The." I yawned, unimpressed. It was an auditory annoyance, a new brand of noise pollution in my once-serene living room. I turned my back on the spectacle and began meticulously grooming my pristine white chest fur, signaling my profound disinterest. My cleaning ritual was interrupted by a new sound, a sequence of tones followed by a chipper declaration: "Let's sing a song!" A dreadful, plinky melody began, the voice singing about letters of the alphabet. An insult to the ears. But then, I noticed something. The small human, Chloe, was mesmerized. Her usual chaotic energy was focused, contained. She sat still, her gaze locked on the page, her finger tracing the lines as the magic stick sang its terrible song. The usual threat of a sudden lurch or a grab for my tail was gone. There was… silence. Stillness. A pocket of pure, unadulterated peace. Slowly, I slunk from the armchair and padded silently across the rug, my paws making no sound. I settled myself a safe, but observable, distance away. The stick was now telling a story about a dog. I don't approve of canines in literature, but I approve of their pacifying effect on my small human. I watched, my eyes narrowed, as Chloe spent the better part of an hour utterly engrossed, tapping and listening. She was in a trance, a state of blissful quietude induced by this pink scepter of serenity. It was a shield, an invisible forcefield that protected my afternoon nap from her toddler-based whims. My final verdict came as I curled into a perfect circle on the now-undisturbed velvet couch. This "LeapReader" is not a toy. It is a weapon of mass distraction. It is a magical artifact that casts a powerful "Hold Person" spell on a specific, and usually disruptive, target. Its features are irrelevant to me, its stories mundane, its songs an abomination. But its *effect*? The glorious, golden silence it purchases? That is a luxury beyond price. The pink stick, I have decided, is the most beautiful object I have ever seen. It is a guardian of the nap, a protector of the peace. It is, without a doubt, a masterpiece.

KOKODI Talking Pen Books Sets, Interactive Audio Sound Books Kids Learning Electronic Toys for Boys Girls, Autism Sensory Games, Early Educational Gifts Birthday Gifts for Toddlers Kids Age 2 3 4 5

By: KOKODI

Pete's Expert Summary

My human seems to have acquired yet another noisy contraption, ostensibly for the tiny, loud humans that sometimes visit. It's a plastic stick that, when poked at a book, emits a cacophony of sounds and voices. They call it a "learning toy," which is a rather optimistic label for something that's primary function is to disrupt my afternoon slumber. With over 300 sound effects, its potential for annoyance is high. However, the pen itself has a decent heft and shape for batting across the floor, and the "tear-proof" pages might offer a satisfying, if futile, scratching surface. The most peculiar feature is the ability for my human to trap their voice inside it, a technological haunting I find both unsettling and vaguely intriguing.

Key Features

  • Toddler Learning & Education Toys: KOKODI Early Education Reading Pen is designed for independent use by children aged 2-6. Without any downloads, ready to use immediately upon turning on. Simply press the pen on an image or word, and it will read out the content for you. It enables young children to learn and read through games and activities, aiding their speech development and fostering logical thinking skills.
  • Recording Function: KOKODI Children's Interactive Reading Pen Set includes a recording function that allows parents to record their voices, serving as a messaging tool to strengthen the bond between children and parents, making children feel their parents' companionship at all times!
  • Rich Content & Highly Entertaining: The set comes with two books, featuring 22 themes, over 450 words and introductions, more than 300 sound effects, 500+ interactive games, 1,500+ pure American English pronunciations, and over 10,000 touch-read positions. Children can learn various knowledge from different themes and choose to enhance the fun of learning through games.
  • Eco-Friendly Materials, Durable & Child-Safe:The two books use eco-friendly ink and are carefully bound, making them more suitable for younger children. They are easy to use, crease-resistant, tear-proof, and have rounded corners for added safety. The product has no sharp edges, is easy to grip, and protects children.
  • Portable & A Child's Travel Companion: The KOKODI Children's Interactive Reading Pen Set's lightweight design makes it perfect for travel and vacations. Its portability allows children to have fun learning anywhere, helping them easily overcome cognitive barriers and confidently explore the world.

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The thing arrived not with a bang, but with a whisper. A ghost whisper. I was meticulously grooming my tuxedo front on the velvet chaise lounge when I heard it—my human’s voice, calling my name with that specific lilt she uses when a can of tuna is about to be opened. "Pete, my handsome little gentleman." Yet, the sound wasn't coming from the kitchen, nor the study where she was currently tapping away at her glowing rectangle. It was coming from a brightly-colored book lying abandoned on the rug. My ears swiveled, two perfect gray triangles honing in on the source. This was a violation of the laws of physics as I understood them. I flowed from the chaise lounge like smoke, a silent gray predator stalking a sonic anomaly. There, next to the book depicting a grotesquely cheerful cartoon cow, lay the source: a chubby white and blue plastic wand. The "talking pen," as the small human had called it before growing bored. I sniffed it cautiously. It smelled of plastic and, faintly, of the small human's sticky hands. As my nose nudged a small indentation, the voice came again, "Pete, my handsome little gentleman." I recoiled, my tail bushing out in momentary alarm. A trick! A mimic! A soul-stealing device that had captured my human's essence. My initial fear quickly curdled into intellectual curiosity. This was not a mere toy; it was a puzzle. A challenge. How did this inanimate object learn to speak with her voice? Was it a vessel? A conduit? I placed a deliberate, soft paw upon the pen, pressing down with scientific precision. The voice spoke again. I pressed another spot. A nonsensical "Moo!" erupted, an insult to bovines everywhere. I ignored the cow and returned my focus to the button that held my human's voice. I tapped it once more, listening intently. Then I looked toward the study, where the real human was oblivious. A plan began to form in the vast, clever chambers of my mind. The books were irrelevant, a gaudy distraction for simpler beings. But this pen, this vocal effigy, was a tool of immense potential. It was not a toy to be played with, but an instrument to be mastered. I could learn its secrets, activate it at will, and sow just the right amount of confusion to procure additional servings of salmon. The ghost in the machine had made a critical error: it had spoken my name. And now, I would learn how to make it sing for my supper. This KOKODI object, against all odds, was worthy of my research.

CoComelon Learning Book Interactive Toy for Toddlers, 3 Learning Modes, Music, 50 Learning Phrases, Officially Licensed Kids Toys for Ages 18 Month

By: CoComelon

Pete's Expert Summary

My human seems to believe my sophisticated, razor-sharp intellect requires "stimulation" from a plastic brick designed for creatures that can't yet control their own limbs. This "CoComelon Learning Book," as it's called, is a garish assault on the senses, apparently created by a brand named after a fruit with a head injury. It purports to teach with sounds and music, featuring pages one can "turn" and buttons one can press. While the tactical satisfaction of pressing a button to elicit a response is a universal constant, the thought of being subjected to a tinny rendition of "Old MacDonald" or the squawking of lesser beasts is frankly insulting. It is, at its core, a noisy paperweight that will likely end up shoved under the sofa, and deservedly so.

Key Features

  • Awards and Recognitions: 2022 Walmart Toy Catalog.
  • Includes: CoComelon Learning Book electronic toy.
  • The CoComelon Learning Book electronic toy features 3 modes of interactive play, including numbers, music, and animal sounds. Kids and parents will have fun singing along to “Old MacDonald Had a Farm,” while turning the pages.
  • Your toddler will love learning with JJ from the popular preschool show, CoComelon.
  • Play along with your child as they learn and mimic farm animal sounds. Flip through 6 pages of images of JJ with farm animals, and press the 3 buttons to hear numbers, music, or animal sounds.
  • With 50+ learning phrases to help develop core learning skills: counting, animal sounds, and music.
  • Bright colors, big buttons, a familiar song, and animal sounds make learning fun!
  • 2 x AA batteries required (batteries included).

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The crime scene was my favorite sunbeam on the Persian rug. The victim: a single, perfectly crisp salmon treat, vanished from its designated waiting spot. The prime suspect was, as always, that oafish Golden Retriever who shares my staff. But I, Pete, operate on evidence, not assumption. And the only witness was the new object the Human had placed nearby—a loud, plastic monstrosity called a "Learning Book." It sat there, beaming with primary-colored innocence. A perfect cover. I approached with the silent tread befitting my gray tuxedo. My investigation began with a cautious paw-pat on the large, yellow musical note. A horrifyingly cheerful tune erupted, something about a farm. A dead end. This witness was clearly trying to distract me with nonsense. I turned my attention to the pages, flipping one with a flick of my claw. A cartoon pig stared back with vacant eyes. I pressed the 'animal' button. "Oink, oink!" it squealed. The pig was playing dumb. Typical. I moved on to the next page, a cow. I pressed the button. "Mooooo," it droned, a low, vacant sound. A sound eerily reminiscent of the groan the Retriever makes just before he lurches into motion to steal something. The final page revealed a sheep. "Baa, baa!" it cried, a high-pitched, witless bleat. It was the exact sound the Retriever made last Tuesday when he got his head stuck in the laundry basket. The pieces were clicking into place. This wasn't a book; it was an audio archive of idiocy, a sonic profile of my chief suspect. I left the plastic informant on the rug, its job done. I stalked to the dog's bed, where the culprit was performing his worst "I'm sleeping" act, a faint fishy aroma hanging in the air around his muzzle. I fixed him with a stare and let out a single, accusatory meow. He knew that I knew. As for the "Learning Book," it had proven its worth, not as a toy, but as a surprisingly effective forensic tool. I will permit it to remain. For now. One never knows when one will need to consult a library of incriminating sounds.

LeapFrog Prep for Preschool Activity Book

By: LeapFrog

Pete's Expert Summary

It appears the Human has acquired another plastic slab designed to distract their bafflingly slow-to-develop offspring. They call it a "Prep for Preschool Activity Book," a device ostensibly for teaching foundational concepts like counting and shapes—skills I, of course, perfected in my first few weeks of life. While the touch-sensitive pages might offer a momentary diversion for a curious paw and the included erasable marker holds a certain chaotic promise, the repetitive, cheerful noises are likely to be an unwelcome intrusion on my meticulously scheduled naps. Ultimately, it seems to be a tool for a lesser intellect, a blatant waste of perfectly good batteries that could be powering a superior laser pointer.

Key Features

  • Interactive book helps preschoolers prepare for school and build confidence with replayable learning activities
  • Explore counting, colors, shapes, the alphabet and words with six touch-sensitive pages
  • Practice letter writing, number matching, shape tracing and line drawing with six marker pages and an erasable pen; Dress for the Weather page encourages kids to choose clothes and draw them on the figure
  • Build phonics skills with activities that help children find beginning letters and rhyming words
  • Intended for ages 3+ years; requires 2 AA batteries; batteries included for demo purposes only; new batteries recommended for regular use

A Tale from Pete the Cat

It arrived not in a crinkly bag or a cardboard box ripe for sitting, but in a rigid plastic shell, a prison from which the Human freed it with a series of loud snaps. They placed it on the floor, a garish rectangle of primary colors. It was, I deduced, an altar of some sort, and the small human was its designated acolyte. I watched from the arm of the sofa, my tail a metronome of silent judgment, as the child performed the initial rites. A single poke, and the altar spoke. "Let's learn our colors!" it chirped, its voice a saccharine offense to the ears. My initial disdain was profound. This was no toy; it was an indoctrination tool. "Touch the red square!" it commanded. The child obeyed. I, however, understood the subtext. It was a loyalty test. Would one pledge allegiance to this noisy oracle? I remained aloof, a gray-furred specter of silent opposition. Then came a new challenge from the machine: "Practice writing the letter 'P'!" The small human fumbled with the attached plastic wand, scratching a pathetic line. 'P'? An insult. 'P' is for Pete. 'P' is for 'Perfection.' 'P' is for 'Paws,' which I immediately began to groom with meticulous dignity to show this machine the true form of the letter 'P' in its perfect, curved elegance. The true test of its worth, however, came with the phonics page. "What rhymes with 'cat'?" the altar queried. The small human yelled, "Bat!" A simple, brutish answer. I knew the truth. What rhymes with 'cat'? A 'pat,' of course. A long, soothing stroke down my impossibly soft back. The altar was not asking a question; it was issuing a command to the universe. It was a coded message, meant only for the truly intelligent to decipher. This wasn't a learning tool for the child; it was a subliminal communication device designed to remind the Humans of their primary duties. I uncurled myself from the sofa and sauntered over. Ignoring the lights and the voice, I purposefully nudged the Human's hand with my head, then glanced meaningfully at the altar. The Human, bless their simple, programmable heart, seemed to understand. Their hand came down and gave me a long, satisfying scratch behind the ears. The noisy book had served its purpose. It was not a toy for me to play *with*, but a tool for me to *use*. It was a worthy, if unnecessarily loud, addition to the household. I would permit it to stay.

VTech Bluey Bluey's Book of Games

By: VTech

Pete's Expert Summary

Honestly, my human must think I've suffered some sort of head trauma. They've brought a VTech monstrosity into my domain. It’s a loud, plastic book-shaped object celebrating a family of cartoon *dogs*, of all things. The brand alone tells me everything I need to know: it’s designed to make repetitive, tinny noises to placate a small, simple-minded human. While the chunky handle might be useful for dragging it off a cliff (or, more realistically, the arm of the sofa), and the pressable buttons could offer a brief, Pavlovian thrill, the chorus of pre-recorded canine enthusiasm is a direct assault on my finely tuned auditory senses. This isn't a toy for a sophisticated feline; it's an electronic nuisance generator, a guaranteed interruption of at least three naps per day.

Key Features

  • Play pretend with Bingo and Bluey using things found around their house; 14 interactive pages showcase adventures from the show
  • Press the Bluey, Bingo, Dad and Mum buttons to hear phrases about each character
  • Explore Bluey and Bingo’s favorite games and hear their voices in Story, Play Together, Music and Follow the Leader modes
  • Chunky carrying handle lets kids easily take the pretend play on the go
  • Intended for ages 3-6 years; requires 3 AA batteries; batteries included for demo purposes only; new batteries recommended for regular use

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The new arrival was an affront, a slab of primary-colored plastic left brazenly in the middle of the living room rug. It smelled of the factory and desperation. I watched from the safety of the armchair as the small human poked and prodded it, eliciting a cacophony of cheerful greetings from what I could only assume were its illustrated dog overlords. "G'day, Bluey!" the thing would squawk, an electronic assault on the quiet dignity of my home. This wasn't merely a toy; it was an interloper, a rival for attention that ran on batteries instead of premium salmon pâté. My opportunity for reconnaissance came that evening. The object, which the humans called "Bluey's Book of Games," lay dormant on my favorite sunning spot. A declaration of war. I approached with silent paws, tail held low and twitching. I gave it a tentative sniff. Nothing. I batted at one of the thick, unrippable pages. It let out a defiant "Let's play Magic Xylophone!" The audacity. This plastic upstart was challenging me, Pete, to a game. I narrowed my eyes. Challenge accepted. I decided a show of force was necessary. A simple swat wouldn't do; this required a statement. I crouched, gathering the power in my haunches, and launched myself into the air. I landed with a soft *thump* directly in the center of the open book. My regal weight, though modest, was enough to depress several buttons at once. The result was glorious chaos. "Hooray!" one voice chirped, while another demanded we "Play Together!" as a jarring melody from the "Music" mode began its tinny assault. The book was screaming a garbled mess of its own programming, a symphony of electronic confusion conducted by my fluffy white tuxedo belly. I settled in, kneading my paws gently on the faces of Bingo and Dad. The humans saw me and chuckled, assuming I had found a new, albeit noisy, bed. They were fools. They couldn't comprehend the complex power dynamics they had just witnessed. I had not befriended the enemy; I had conquered it. This VTech device was now my throne, a vanquished foe that occasionally sputtered nonsensical dog phrases beneath me. It serves as a constant, colorful reminder to all other objects in this house of who is truly in charge.

ZeenKind English Learning Talking Book for Kids 2 3 4 5 6 Years Old, 300+ Words Interactive Audio Sound Books for Toddlers, Early Learning Educational Electronic Musical Toy

By: ZeenKind

Pete's Expert Summary

My human seems to have acquired another noisy, flashing rectangle, ostensibly for the smaller, more chaotic human they also keep. This "ZeenKind Talking Book" purports to be an educational device, filled with hundreds of words, quizzes, and even music. From my vantage point on the velvet chaise, it appears to be a primary source of repetitive, high-pitched sounds. While the promise of "Animal" pictures and sounds piques a sliver of my professional interest—one must stay informed on the local prey—the rest seems a dreadful waste of electricity that could be better used powering my heated bed. The "tearproof" and "water resistant" features are a minor point in its favor, as it means the device is less likely to be destroyed by the toddler's clumsy paws, thus preventing the subsequent human wailing that so often disturbs my afternoon slumber.

Key Features

  • English Learning Electronic Book with 13 Topics. Prepare kids early. These toddler learning books for 1 to 3 are packed with 300 English words in preschool education topics, Animals, Things, Scenes, Transportation, Body Parts, and more.
  • American Accent Audio Interactive Book. Best kids learning toys to master English Vocabulary. They can practice reading and speaking words correctly with its touch button and real voice audio.
  • Quiz Toddler Learning Activity. The Question and Answer mode is a fun game that helps kids, and toddlers to talk and spell. This book will encourage them to learn independently.
  • Fun Musical Toy. This electronic learning and education toy has nursery rhymes to entertain kids in travel, school, or home. It also has tearproof and water resistant pages. A best baby gift idea that is worth every penny.
  • Your Satisfaction Matters: We stand by the quality of our interactive toddler book. If you're unhappy, you can return it within 30 days of purchase.

A Tale from Pete the Cat

The object was introduced into my kingdom with the usual fanfare reserved for things that are not, in fact, for me. The small human shrieked, my primary human cooed, and the plastic slab was laid upon the rug like a sacrificial offering. It was garish. It was loud. For an hour, it bleated about "Apples" and sang a truly horrifying rendition of a song about a spider. I watched from beneath the coffee table, tail twitching in irritation, judging the sheer lack of taste. Once the small human was ferried away for its mandatory hibernation period, a blessed silence fell. Yet, the book remained. An insult to the decor. Driven by a need to assert my dominance over all objects in my domain, I crept forward. The air was still. I extended a single, perfectly manicured claw and tentatively poked a picture of a yellow, crescent-shaped object. "BANANA!" the box squawked, the voice an assault of synthetic cheerfulness. Pathetic. I poked a picture of a red sphere. "BALL!" it shouted. I've seen balls. This was a poor imitation. I was about to dismiss it as utter trash and perhaps scent-mark it for good measure when my paw slipped, pressing a different kind of button. "Let's play a game!" it announced. "Find the... FISH!" My ears, which had been flattened in annoyance, perked instantly. Fish? This was a lexicon I understood. My eyes, honed by generations of apex predators, scanned the page. There, next to a ludicrously smiling sun, was a crude drawing of a fish. I deliberately, precisely, placed my paw upon it. A triumphant little melody played. "YOU'RE RIGHT!" the voice cheered. A thrill, primal and deeply satisfying, shot through me. This wasn't a toy for a witless infant. This was a tactical evaluation simulator. "Find the MOUSE!" it commanded next. Oh, this was almost too easy. Paw down. "CORRECT!" it sang. I spent the next twenty minutes systematically conquering the device's foolish little games. I identified birds, I located body parts (my own are far more elegant), and I even condescended to find the "CAR," a noisy beast I despise but recognize nonetheless. My human watched, that glowing rectangle held up to capture my genius for their little online archives. Let them watch. They think I'm playing. I'm training. This ZeenKind device, for all its obnoxious music and puerile art, has proven its worth. It is a whetstone for my mind, keeping my predatory instincts sharp. It can stay. But if I hear that spider song one more time, I'm knocking a full glass of water on it, "water resistant" or not. Some things simply cannot be tolerated.