A pamphlet of feline opinion · est. mmxxv
Pete, the resident feline critic
The Pete Gazette
The Adult Helmet Desk Reviewed for kids & the grown-ups who shop for them Reviewed from the windowsill
Also Reviewed
Tourdarson
Moonlit Echo Chamber Elevates Midnight Serenades to the Operatic
★★★★☆
67i
Lurid Pink Temple of Feline Contemplation: Barely Acceptable
★★★☆☆
OutdoorMaster
Obsidian Command Bunker Grants Panoramic Domain Surveillance
★★★★☆
From the wires — the critic descends upon the next desk shortly. The toys have been warned.
Lead Review · From: Retrospec
Red Dot Escapes Into Vented Fortress; Box Claims Consolation Prize
Pete lays siege to the impenetrable matte black dome after the red dot takes refuge inside, fails to breach the ABS shell, then retires to the cardboard box as the superior prize.
By Pete · Resident Feline Critic

My human has acquired what appears to be a hard, black, empty skull of their own, which they call a "helmet." It's from a brand named Retrospec, and its stated purpose is to protect their actual, much softer skull during their clumsy outdoor excursions on various wheeled contraptions. Frankly, the survival of the can-opener is a priority, so I approve of th…

Continued on the story page →
Image of Retrospec Dakota Bicycle / Skateboard Helmet for Adults - Commuter, Bike, Skate, Scooter, Longboard & Incline Skating - Highly Protective & Premium Ventilation- Large - Matte Black, 4271
Fig. 1 — the subject
Pete's Verdict
★★★☆☆
One must know which battles to fight.
From The Desk
Image of OutdoorMaster Skateboard Cycling Helmet-Beetles Snug,Bike Helmet for Adults, Youth & Kids-Two Removable Liners Ventilation Multi-Sport Commuter Scooter Roller Skate Inline Skating Longboard
OutdoorMaster
EPS Foam Command Pod Fits One Regal Occupant Perfectly

My human, in their infinite lack of grace, has acquired a hard, colorful shell they call a "helmet." Apparently, it's meant to protect their oversized head when they wobble about …

★★★★★ — This vessel has found its true commander.
More From The Desk
Image of OUWOR Adult Skateboard Bike Helmet for Men and Women, Lightweight Adjustable, Multi-Sport for Bicycle Skate Scooter (Pink, Large)
OUWOR
Psionic Squirrel Amplifier Signals Human's Imminent Defection

My human has, yet again, squandered perfectly good tuna-and-treat money on an object of profound uselessness. This latest acquisition, a garish pink …

★☆☆☆☆
Image of Nocihcass Skateboard Bike Helmet,Multi-Sport with Premium Safety & Ventilation,Shock-Absorbing,Adjustable for Cycling Scooter Commuter Skate Protection for Youth Adult(Large, Matte Black)
Nocihcass
Obsidian Throne Purrs at Resonant Frequency of Supreme Worth

My human has presented me with this… object. It is called a "Nocihcass," a name that sounds like a failed attempt to suppress a sneeze. They claim it…

★★★★★
Image of Triple Eight Certified Sweatsaver Helmet for Skateboarding, BMX, Roller Derby, Roller Skating, Inline Skating, Scooter and Bike
Triple Eight
Mouse Outwitted by Adjustment Strap; Citadel Nap Follows

My Human has acquired what they call a "helmet," a ludicrously hard, bowl-shaped object. Its stated purpose is to protect their clumsy skull during t…

★★★★☆
Image of JBM Adult & Kid Skating Protective Gear Set for Beginner to Advanced, Skateboard Helmet Knee and Elbow Pads with Wrist Guards for Inline Roller Skating, Scooter, Skateboarding
JBM
Plastic Turtle Armor Inspires Utter Indifference; Box Wins

My human, in their infinite and baffling wisdom, has procured a set of what appears to be personal armor. The JBM brand name means nothing to me, but…

★☆☆☆☆
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